Labour’s deputy leader, Tom Watson, has received half a million pounds in donations from Max Mosley* in less than a year, according to official records.
A vigil was held in Westminster Abbey last night as the entire nation prayed that the money was only a political donation and not, in any way, payment for services that involved Mr Watson dressing up in quasi-military rubber-wear and inflicting erotic bodily harm to Mr Mosely’s gingerly proffered buttocks as they quivered naked in the flickering candlelight of a Stygian Mayfair dungeon.
We asked a Labour spokesman for comment but he just said ‘My eyes! My beautiful eyes!’ and continued retching into his bucket.
*Max Mosley is now in charge of the nation’s press, so we are writing this from prison to save time.