Ukip leader Paul Nuttall claimed a famous victory over Labour, the Tories and the Imperial Japanese navy in the Stoke Central byelection early this morning.
Despite a late challenge from Ghengis Khan’s Asiatic hoard and the fact that he was performing the world’s first brain transplant during most of polling day, Mr Nuttall saw off his rivals to gain a majority of 160 million votes and become the first member of the Beatles to enter parliament.
As the result was announced, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and incumbent of the Walter Mitty Chair of Political Science at Oxbridge University paused to embrace his wife, Cate Blanchett, before giving a moving acceptance speech.
‘I’m not going anywhere,’ he said. Before going somewhere. (Not parliament, obviously. Probably Mars. Maybe Lidl. We’ll ask him when he gets back.)
In other byelection news: Labour loses a seat in Cumbria despite the Conservatives being in power and the local hospital being bulldozed. Jeremy Corbyn still has a job. Claudio Ranieri gets fired.
The world has gone mad: discuss.