Hollywood, California: Global accountancy giant PriceWaterhouseCooper is to be investigated for its role in last year’s US presidential election.
In a shock move, the FBI has announced that the hacking of Democrat computer servers and subsequent voting irregularities now ‘almost certainly’ had nothing to do with the Russians blackmailing Donald Trump.
Instead it was ‘most likely’ down to some accountant or other getting his envelopes mixed up. Confused elderly actors may also have been involved, but definitely not Donald Trump. Or Vladimir Putin or hookers or anything like that.
And, in an unexpected development, the White House has praised the liberal entertainment media and has thanked actors in particular ‘for getting us the hell off the front pages for a couple of days’.
Space, The Final Frontier: US private rocket company SpaceX has announced that two private citizens will be sent around the Moon in 2018.
SpaceX CEO Elon Musk is refusing to name the two passengers and will not confirm whether the hastily arranged mission is in any way related to a recent crowd-funding appeal launched by the Parliamentary Labour Party.
The appeal, which aimed to raise enough money to send Jeremy Corbyn on ‘a long fact-finding mission’, made exactly half the amount originally targeted. But a Labour MP, speaking from newly Conservative Cumbria, told the Mercury that ‘half way around is absolutely fine with us’.
In unrelated news: An east London newspaper sub-editor was hospitalised this morning after rupturing several major organs. Doctors blame the strain of resisting the temptation to mention ‘Diane Abbott’ and the phrase ‘… because the rocket engine has yet to be developed that can lift a payload of that…’ in the same sentence.