Facebook Fails To Suppress Fake News, Bans Nipples Instead

Facebook has been praised today for ‘getting its priorities absolutely right’ and ‘addressing the really big problems posed by the unchallenged ubiquity of social media’.

The popular messaging platform yesterday banned from its site a painting of two nude women by eminent Australian artist Charles Blackman. And quite right too.

The painting – which the Mercury’s art critic has described as ‘incontestably filthy and likely to seduce minors into a life of debauchery and un-British sexual experimentation – explicitly presents two naked buttocks (slightly splayed) and an undisguised nipple (moderately pert).

After we had finished congratulating him for saving us, Facebook’s Dalston spokesman told the Mercury: ‘Yeah, we’re absolutely determined to crack down on this sort of thing.

‘Fake nipples have absolutely no place on our platform, and we will ruthlessly root them out wherever they pop up and will courageously suppress them with the gaffer tape of decency.’

Look: nipples covered, therefore decent and truthful

Although fake nipples are – rightly – banned by Facebook, genuine fascists, real-life violent anarchists and even the not-wholly-fictional Labour party are still welcome.

‘Yeah,’ said the spokesman, ‘we are working on that. And all that ‘the Pope says Donald Trump is the new Jesus‘ stuff.

‘But in the meantime, nipples are definitely out. I mean in.

‘And, by the way, Hillary Clinton is planning a military coup against the White House with her lover Condoleezza Rice. Fact.’



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