Top Trump Lawyer Shows Criminals How It Should Be Done

The International Union of Satirists is to sue US president Donald Trump for cruelty following reports of links between his attorney general and the Kremlin. Yes, that Kremlin.

‘More people are going to die if this goes on,’ said one satirist from his hospital bed this morning, ‘the sheer volume of material we’re having to process since Mr Trump became president is absolutely inhuman. Has he no pity? Has he no shame? Has he no-one in his administration capable of finding their arse with both hands?’

So far over 3000 professional satirists have died of exhaustion since November’s election, with countless others hospitalised and emergency treatment centres established in major capitals. The entire staff of Private Eye is currently on suicide watch at St Bartholomew’s world-famous comedy unit.

Members of President Trump’s cabinet queue to request bail money from ambassador Sergei Kislyak tomorrow 

‘We were just about holding on,’ said one political sketch writer temporarily revived from his medically induced coma, ‘until this Jeff Sessions thing broke this morning.

‘I mean – for crying out loud…’ he wept hysterically ‘…this man is supposed to be overseeing an FBI investigation into whether the Russians interfered with the presidential election after he’s been meeting with the Russkies himself and then lying about it  – under oath – at his confirmation hearing!

‘How can we top that?! Satire is supposed to be funnier and less credible than real life. You just can’t get any less credible than that. Or as funny, if it wasn’t for all the nuclear bombs and impending global Armageddon and what have you.’

In news unlikely to bring comfort to ailing satirists, President Trump is said to be considering moving his entire White House staff to new, shinier premises in Moscow ‘to save time and phone charges’. A crack team of blind interior designers has been dispatched to make preparations. Shares in gold paint manufacturers soared on the news.



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