‘Jeremy Corbyn Still Has A Pulse’ – Labour’s Dilemma

News that former Black Sabbath and Rainbow frontman Ronnie James Dio is to tour next year despite having died in 2010 has inspired hope of electoral success among members of the Parliamentary Labour Party.

A sophisticated, high-tech hologram of Dio will perform a greatest hits set to adoring fans generating millions of dollars in ticket and merchandising sales.

In contrast, the real, corporeal Jeremy Corbyn will be performing a hit-free set to the same bunch of students and former Militant members that routinely follows him around. Millions of dollars will not be generated although they hope to get rid of a few ‘Coal Not Dole’ t-shirts that have been kicking around for ages.

Labour MPs, although lacking the funds to produce an actual singing, dancing, proselytising socialist hologram, have posited the idea of heaving the decomposing corpse of Aneurin Bevan around on a national tour, confident in the knowledge that an embalmed Bevan is ten times the vote winner Mr Corbyn will ever be.

ronnie-james-dio
Aneurin Bevan makes the case for increased NHS spending yesterday

If Mr Bevan’s heirs are insufficiently committed to the socialist cause to release his festering remains, Denis Healey’s funereal urn may head Labour’s push for power instead. Failing that, a stick of celery will do.

Mr Corbyn was scheduled to debate the future of the Labour movement with the desiccated cadaver of Barbara Castle at a PLP meeting last night, but he wimped out. According to backbenchers present Mrs Castle’s mortal dust ‘would have shat on him’.

 

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