A violent schism has erupted within prestigious Dalston University’s Department of Women’s Studies over whether Harry Potter star Emma Watson is a feminist icon on a par with Emmeline Pankhurst or a just a bit of a slag like her off of Celebrity Big Brother.
Ms Watson ‘ethically’ (or ‘wantonly’, depending on who you’re listening to) revealed her breasts in a ‘tasteful’ (‘shamefully lascivious’) photo shoot for ‘Vanity Fair’ (‘Razzle’) magazine this month.
‘There is no doubt at all that Emma’s breasts have put back the cause of women’s rights to the late 13th Century,’ said Dr Keithly Liverbird, head of the university’s popular Phallocentricity in Contemporary Poetry and Football Song course, ‘or possibly to the age of pre-Socratic Athens. Thank Christ you couldn’t actually see her nipples, or the world would’ve ended! Although that would have been because of men, obviously. Not breasts.’
Her colleague, Professor Clytemnestra Brassière-en-Feu, however, disagrees. She told the Mercury: ‘In revealing her breasts to the world Emma has sounded a defiant call-to-arms that will be taken up by every woman straining under the oppressive yolk of suffocating patriarchy.
‘I only wish she’d been given the opportunity to dispense with her clothing altogether (clothes being merely another means through which men seek to assert control over women’s bodies) and was able to spread her lady garden of liberation all over the pages of that vile organ in a glorious, gynecological battle cry of liberation! But obviously the men wouldn’t let her get her muff out, would they? Oppressive, cowardly bastards!’
We asked a passing male professor at the University how he viewed the controversial photo shoot. After confirming he was a committed feminist (‘I love birds, me’ he told us), we asked him to give his judgement on the incendiary pictures: ‘Yeah, quite fit,’ he said, and walked off.
Members of the Dalston University Rugby Club, concerned about the breakdown in intra-feminist relations, have offered to provide a forum in which the opposing factions can settle their differences. They have promised to supply an inflateable paddling pool, the mud (or jelly or baby oil as preferred), a selection of bikinis and three cases of Malibu if they’re allowed to referee the ‘debate’, as they’re calling it.