Local Man: ‘MI5 Hacked My Blender’

After leaked revelations that MI5 and the CIA are able to eavesdrop on private individuals through their computers and TV sets, a Dalston man claims his life has been ruined by the authorities’ underhand surveillance techniques.

‘I knew something was up as soon as the rozzers kicked my front door in,’ said Mr Shane ‘Lefty’ Calhoun from his Belmarsh prison cell last night.

‘It’s a diabolical liberty, init, listening to a geezer’s commercially sensitive business negotiations through his domestic appliances?

‘Mind you, I blame the wife. She’d been after one of them big fridges that makes ice cubes and orders milk from the internet and that. How did I know James frigging Bond would be listening in from behind the oven chips, eh?’

fridge
A police grass on the run yesterday following Wikileaks’ incendiary revelations

‘I remember when coppers was gentlemen; you could bung ’em a tenner to do one when you was stripping a junction box of its copper wire. But not any more. Watching you through your own TV like bleedin’ Gogglebox for the filth! I ask you!’

Fearing other household appliances may have been compromised by authorities searching for a disputed quantity of industrial lead piping, Mr Calhoun has ordered his wife to unplug her Dyson vacuum cleaner and hide the toaster in a box ‘until Pool Cue Steve and Fat Mike have shifted the gear and ponied-up’.

Mr Calhoun also fears that Wikileaks may be about to release classified documents relating to the whereabouts of 40 yards of security fencing that may have accidentally and without his knowledge been stored in his Mum’s loft.

 

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