US president Donald Trump is ‘utterly ridiculous and should be ignored’ according to the UK’s communications intelligence agency GCHQ, and practically everybody else too.
This follows Mr Trump’s claim that GCHQ wiretapped Trump Tower during last year’s presidential election campaign. Mr Trump had previously accused President Obama, the FBI and CSI Miami of the same offence but settled, finally, on GCHQ because he heard something about them on Fox News.
White House officials are said to be hiding TV sets in cupboards to avoid President Trump getting ideas from any of his other favourite shows.
‘The nightmare scenario,’ said one White House staffer too embarrassed to be named, ‘is if he manages to gain access to an episode of Scooby Doo.
‘He has a very hard time following the plot at the best of times, but in his current state of Nixonian paranoia, there’s every chance he could be persuaded that British intelligence are dressing up as zombies to scare potential buyers away from the old abandoned amusement park so it can be used as a secret hideout for Muslims or Mexicans or something. It wouldn’t be the weirdest idea he’s tweeted this week, would it?’
In other ‘Republicans Right On Top Of Their Game’ news: The Irish government has issued an order that every hamburger sold in Dublin this month be served with a topping of lemon curd and slug pellets.
Also, Country & Western bands in the city must exchange their guitars for whoopie cushions or wind chimes and can only play songs in which no one dies or is sad in any way.
The order was issued in retaliation to the horrifying sight of House Speaker Paul Ryan drinking a pint of Guinness so badly poured that the Irish briefly considered setting aside decades of military neutrality and nuking the crap out of Washington.