Ban On Laptops ‘Will Save Lives And Agro’ – Local Hard Man

After UK and US airlines announced new carry-on restrictions to electronic devices, a Dalston cafe has responded to increased security concerns with its own ban on phones and laptops.

‘Yeah,’ said Reg Eel, owner of the Dalston Chop House and the White Horse pub next door, ‘regrettably we have received intelligence of a credible threat from Isis which means our customers will have to park their electric whatsits at the door. No exceptions. Regrettably.’

Mr  Eel, who last week celebrated three months without a single conviction, has in the past come to the notice of the local police for acts of extreme – if justified – violence against young fashionable people. But according to Mr Eel, his feelings toward young fashionable people have no bearing on the current ban whatever.

‘Nah, mate,’ he told the Mercury, ‘it’s fine if a load of unicycle-riding numpties want to sit around my gaff all bleedin’ day sharing one cup of tea while charging up their i-Pads and computers and that; filling up the tables with their massive bloody phones so’s my regulars can’t find a sodding seat. That’s absolutley bloody cushty with me, that is.

‘It’s just that, as a responsible business proprietor, I have to respond to the increased threat posed by murderous Islamists.

‘And if that means I have to give a right twatting to any bastard what comes in here, buys a digestive biscuit and then gets out his laptop and spends the next six hours running his organic yoga pant business, then so be it. The security of my customers overcomes all other considerations.’

monocle
Have you seen this bee keeper? Or any bits of him?

Mr Eel’s other business, the White Horse public house, achieved national fame during the EU referendum campaign when, after a spirited discussion on the merits of mass immigration with White Horse regulars, a 23-year-old urban bee keeper disappeared without trace. They found his monocle in the gents, but that was it.

 

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