Red Nose Day In Dalston – Nudity, Bloodletting And Aggravated Larceny For All The Family!

As local schools and businesses celebrate Red Nose Day and the BBC prepares for its annual Comic Relief charity marathon, residents of Dalston’s Clement Attlee Estate are warming up for their own traditional fundraiser tonight.

‘Yeah,’ said Dalston’s Red Nose supremo Vince ‘Biggles’ Calhoun this morning, ‘people in this estate would do anything to help the kiddies. Even foreign ones that live in mud huts and that. We’re not picky.’

Planned events include a sponsored pole dancing marathon in the snug of the White Horse public house, a Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown video marathon in the bar of the White Horse public house and a winner-stays-on bare knuckle boxing marathon in the car park of the White Horse public house (although this last event is not exclusive to Red Nose Day and takes place nightly at various locations around the Clement Attlee estate).

ed balls stripper
A participant in the Dalston pole dancing marathon warms up for the event. Cough up or the boxers come off

Other fundraising innovations include a bring and buy sale at which recent arrivals to the Dalston area will be invited to buy back their own mobile phones and then keep schtum about it or else.

Last year’s Clement Attlee Estate Red Nose appeal raised ‘shed loads’ of cash, every penny of which went to help disadvantaged children – most of them resident in the Clement Attlee Estate – who would otherwise not have been able to afford such essentials as Playstation consoles, bail money and fortnights in Magaluf.

 

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