Islamic State To Send Fruit Basket To Google

As home secretary Amber Rudd prepares to call in Facebook, WhatsApp and other social media sites said to be facilitating the distribution of extremist propaganda, a Dalston newsagent claims to have been summoned to Whitehall as part of the same crackdown.

‘I’m completely with Mark Zuckerberg and Google on this one,’ said Mr Barry Oboe of Oboe’s News & Wine, ‘I’m not a media outlet, I’m just providing a platform that people use to keep in touch with each other.

‘It’s just not reasonable to expect me to police and censor every last postcard I put up in my shop window. If one advertising for ‘penpal for jihadi psychopath’ slips through the net – as may have occurred last week – it’s hardly my fault is it? And I imaging the geezer at WhatsApp feels exactly the same.’

fruit basket
‘Dear Mr Zuckerberg, thanks for everything, love Ahmed and the boys’

In other news: Two prisoners currently on remand at HM Prison Dalston are to sue the home secretary claiming they ‘suffered distress’ and ‘were subjected to life-changing psychological cruelty’ after they were forced to watch England’s World Cup qualifier against Lithuania last night.

‘The remote was broken,’ one of the men told the Mercury, ‘the telly was stuck on ITV. We just couldn’t turn it off. It was horrible, just horrible. I don’t want to think about it – locked in that cell with Gareth Southgate for two hours!’

Eminent french philosopher Jean Paul Sartre is to give evidence on behalf of the men having made his reputation establishing beyond doubt that watching England play against small eastern European nations is, existentially speaking, the working definition of soul-crushing ennui.

Albert Camus, in contrast, thinks they should have played a big man up front and a diamond formation in midfield.

 

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