Inspired by the Daily Mail’s groundbreaking coverage of negotiations between Prime Minister Theresa May and Scotland’s First Minister Nicola Sturgeon yesterday, the government has decided that the thorny issue of Scottish independence should be decided by a bake-off.
‘Yeah,’ said one Whitehall mandarin too priapic to be named, ‘after the Mail dedicated its front page to perving over pictures of two senior stateswomens’ legs we thought: ‘Phwoar, this is a lot better than referendums and reasoned analysis and that; let’s just get the ladies to scrub up a bit, strap on their aprons and decide the future of the union with a battle of feminine charm and culinary skills.’
It is proposed that, in addition to a classic Mary Berry Victoria sponge and a showstopper challenge, Mrs May and Mrs Sturgeon will compete in a cleaning-behind-the-fridge contest, will be judged on efficient delivery of pipe and slippers to husbands and will be required to laugh at men’s jokes in a manner appropriate to a golf club prize-giving dinner.
The swimsuit and evening wear rounds will only be contested in the case of a dead heat. A crack team of Ukip local councillors are presently drawing up the detailed rules of the competition.
Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre was invited to head the judging panel but said he’d rather watch the whole thing from behind a bush where his dirty raincoat will be less conspicuous.