EU To Britain: ‘Brexit’s Off. Sorry’

The European Union has rejected the letter signed by Theresa May that was intended to formally begin the UK’s departure from the EU.

The letter is said by EU officials to be in breach of European health and safety directives and that, consequently, the UK will not be allowed to leave the union after all.

‘It’s too sharp and the corners are all pointy,’ said one Brussels bureaucrat this morning, ‘that letter is a potential deathtrap. Donald Tusk got a nasty paper cut from it and almost bled to death. And the paper’s not recycled, which is illegal, probably. So you can’t leave and that’s all there is to it.’

Conservatives have condemned the EU’s rejection of the letter, while Liberal Democrats have welcomed it. Labour don’t know what on Earth to think.

In other news: After Astronomers at the Australian National University appealed to amateur stargazers for help in finding the solar system’s mysterious ninth planet, the head of the Dalston space agency DASA has told them they’re wasting their time because he found it ages ago.

‘Yeah,’ said Mr Clarkson Testarossa, ‘we definitively established the location of the ninth planet – which we named Dalstonia 7 – during preparations for our most recent deep space expedition which ended so explosively on the roof of Argos.

‘However, during our preparatory studies of the night sky I was on the roof of that massive tower block down Queensbridge Road from where, if you really crane your neck, you can just make out the southern hemisphere and the starry firmament above.

‘Happily I was using our most powerful optical instrument at the time (what my brother bought to watch that bird from Greggs who never closes the curtains) and wallop! There it is! The ninth planet, speeding past like nobody’s business.

dalstonia 7
Mr Testarossa began construction of a scale model of Dalstonia 7 and its moon Clarksonia 12, but became distracted

‘Big bugger too! I would estimate it to be around 10 times the mass of the Earth, and probably 20 times further from the sun than Neptune, give or take a yard.’

Mr Testarossa is hoping that his discovery of Dalstonia 7 will be rewarded by an honorary PhD or immunity from further prosecutions resulting from DASA’s recent activities and all the associated carnage.



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