Even before the a Royal Navy task force has had chance to set sail for the Mediterranean, Dalstonians have struck a first blow against the Spanish crown in what promises to be a pitiless battle for the land and very soul of Gibraltar.
‘Yeah,’ said Dalston’s campaign leader ‘Lieutenant Commander’ Wayne Calhoun this morning, ‘we are very fortunate here in Dalston in that: a) we do not share a land border with Spain like them poor oppressed bastards in Gibraltar, and b) there’s loads of Spaniards over here – working in bars and that – what we can retaliate against without actually leaving the borough or getting shot at or nothing.
‘Loads of bloody Brazilians, too, who are just as culpable for the plight of Gibraltar given them and the Spanish speak the same language and do bull fighting.’
Lieutenant Commander Calhoun’s troops saw their first offensive action on Saturday when they set up a stall at Dalston’s popular Street Eats food market and cooked paella following a recipe devised by Jamie Oliver.
Several Spanish nationals and hundreds of other food lovers suffered ‘severe retching strains to the throat and abdomen’ as a result, and a passing Michelin Guide judge was pronounced dead at the scene. ‘Unfortunately he was French,’ said Lieutenant Commander Calhoun, ‘but they’re just as bad.’
Other actions against Spanish colonialism are planned by Lieutenant Commander Calhoun’s crack troops. They include: inexpertly drinking wine out of those pointy bottles and letting it go all over the place on purpose and; ordering a plate of tapas and then, when the waiter brings it, shouting ‘Oi! Manuel! Where’s the rest?’ in a manner calculated to upset sensitive Latin types.
‘We’re also refusing to watch any of Michael Portillo’s railway programmes,’ said Lieutenant Commander Calhoun, ‘and are continuing our long-term programme aimed at weakening the Spanish population through sexually transmitted diseases which we deliver, by stealth, through the medium of British Club 18-30 holidaymakers in Magaluf.’