Edinburgh, Scotland: TRUMP GOLF COURSE URINATION CASE STARTS as everyone on Earth wonders why the hell he didn’t just pay the poor woman off, if only to avoid headlines like this one. Given his ‘propensities’ and everything.
In Other News:
New York, across the road from purple mountain majesties and just above the fruited plain: A vice president of Marvel Comics has blamed ‘diversity’ for falling sales of the company’s products.
‘It was a good idea in principle to introduce more diversity to our characters,’ the executive told the Mercury this morning, ‘but we might have gone too far in our attempts to make these new heroes more relatable’.
Marvel’s own 2015 market research survey shocked writers and artists at the comic book giant when it indicated that only 0.000000000000017% of the American population look awesome in Lycra, can grate cheese on their abdominal muscles or have tits like dead heat in a Zeppelin race yet can still kick the crap out of heavily armed space aliens while wearing six-inch heels.
Also, according to research, hardly anyone fires lasers out of their eyes and spends eternity roaming the galaxy on a silver surfboard.
Marvel’s response to this shock news was to replace Spider-Man with a mixed-race, dyslexic lesbian paraplegic who combats crime by phoning the police whenever she hears a noise on her landing.
Iron Man became a door-to-door encyclopedia salesman with personal hygiene and mental health issues who combats crime by selling encyclopedias door-to-door.
The Hulk is now an undercooked chicken nugget who would combat crime by giving Dr Doom a bit of an acid stomach if Dr Doom was ever in the market for an undercooked chicken nugget. But he probably isn’t. At least not now that Dr Doom is a hispanic vegan Liberal Democrat who has vowed to destroy the world by not sorting his recycling properly.
Marvel is exploring the possibility of returning to core characters that don’t look like us and can do cool stuff ‘because people seem to like that kind of thing, wierdly’.