Shopkeepers along the Kingsland Road are boarding-up their storefronts this morning and market stallholders cower beneath big pieces of cardboard following Donald Trump’s spectacular change of mind over US policy on Syria.
‘I don’t know what to think,’ said one panicked pound shop owner, ‘but we’re preparing for the worst all the same.’ He then shot a pigeon believing it to be a cruise missile.
During last year’s presidential election campaign, Mr Trump – in a little publicised paragraph from his speech vowing never to become militarily involved in the Syrian crisis – guaranteed that he would never ‘strafe, bomb, nuke, immolate or in any way totally f*ck-up, bigly or otherwise’ any British high street retailer.
Since dropping several tons of lethal ordinance on the Syrian regime last night, however, President Trump’s policy toward blowing up Dalston shopkeepers has been thrown into doubt.
‘Now he’s got a taste for it, I reckon we’re doomed,’ said an under-manager at Matalan, hiding espadrilles in a blast-resistant cupboard, ‘and we’ve just got our spring stock in, too. I know exactly how the Syrian airforce must be feeling this morning. Gutted, that’s how.’
The US State Department rushed to reassure British shopkeepers this morning saying in a statement: ‘President Trump gives a categorical assurance that he will not perform any further wildly unpredictable hand-brake turns on foreign policy. Unless he feels like it. Because, frankly, he’s going off that whole ‘wall’ thing a bit. And the Putin bromance is cooling off, big time. So watch this space, yeah? KA-BOOM! (Only kidding!)’