United Airlines Inspires Gratuitous Profit-Related Beatings – Shares At New High

United Airlines robust approach to customer relations has been praised by Dalston businesses today amid growing concerns that people are increasingly insistent on being treated decently and getting what they paid for.

‘We in the Dalston Chamber of Commerce fully endorse and support United Airlines’ right to hoik any bugger they choose off a plane, especially if they don’t like the look of ’em,’ said a spokesman for several local restaurateurs this morning.

‘Restaurants, like airlines, frequently find themselves overbooked through no fault of their own,’ said the spokesman, ‘especially on Valentine’s Day and Mothering Sunday and such.’

‘So we are determined to follow United’s novel yet compassionate approach to the problem. Which is to say we send in four or five uniformed thugs to identify anyone not eating fast enough (or only ordering the cheaper items on the menu) and then punch them in the face and hurl the cheap bastards onto the pavement. I can see a day when this becomes established business practice. And quite right too.’

Mr and Mrs Nigel Henderson of Stoke Newington attempt to order one dessert to share between two

Local NHS chiefs are also interested in the United Airlines patented customer fast-track techniques. A spokesman for Dalston Royal Infirmary’s A&E department told the Mercury: ‘Yeah, we have our share of malingerers and hypochondriacs.

‘Normally we just ignore them until they die or fall into a comatose state, at which point we sneak them out the back and leave them in front of a different hospital.

‘But it would be kinder, really, if we could just beat the crap out of them and drag them screaming through the waiting room, ignoring their claims of legitimate illness, before dumping them in the road.

‘United are definitely on to something. Hospitals are no place for sick people after all, just as airliners are wasted on people who want to travel to somewhere else. I hate the public. Selfish bastards.’


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