Speculation is growing on why foreign journalists visiting North Korea are being instructed to gather in Pyongyang for ‘a big and important event’ today.
Recent form suggests it will be something dreary to do with missiles or nuclear bombs, but observers of the secretive state believe today’s event may, instead, be cake-related.
Following President Trump’s fattening but exhaustively publicised attempt to woo Chinese president Xi Jinping with ‘the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake you’ve ever seen’, Oompa Loompa Korean despot Kim Jong-un may be plotting to entice the Chinese back into his camp with a newly developed totalitarian super cake, now containing 50% less dog.
Plus he might nuke Japan for good measure.
In Other News: Labour is claiming a famous victory today in the battle to prevent the reintroduction of grammar schools to the UK.
‘It’s been a tough fight,’ said one back bencher, ‘but in the end Education Secretary Justine Greening just couldn’t deny the central fact that any school system that produced Jeremy Corbyn is clearly not fit for purpose and may actually be evil.’
Ms Greening, shocked by the revelation that Mr Corbyn is a grammar school graduate, has gone further this morning, pledging to close down all existing grammar schools, bulldoze the buildings and salt the earth on which they once stood.
Some sort of exorcism or cross-faith cleansing ritual may also be performed, just to be on the safe side.