Join The Mercury’s Non-Denominational, Seasonally Non-Specific, Generationally Inclusive, Lactose-Free, Non-Competitive Chocolate-Based Hunt-Themed Event! (No Dogs, No Irish)

Always delighted to balance the demands of fundamentalist secularism, the Anglican Church, Ukip, LGBT+ groups, single mothers, childless couples, agnostic farm animals, the Jewish Chronicle, his Holiness the Pope, and the European Union, the Dalston Mercury has cancelled its annual Easter Egg hunt on London Fields and has replaced it with something much less fascistic and socially divisive.

As a response to demands from the EU the British-made chocolate constituent of our eggs has been renamed ‘recidivist vege-sludge’ by the Belgians but, due to record levels of obesity among our young people, has been replaced anyway by a baked lentil substitute.

Easter_egg_hunt
Last year’s event. What WERE we thinking? Those children are probably all dead now. Or they’ve joined Isis

The formerly traditional egg-shape (or ‘prolate spheroid’ as our lawyers call it) is considered offensive by vegans and the Vatican, who would prefer a chocolate Judas Iscariot hanging from a tree (the Vatican, not the vegans). Transgender women have threatened to boycott the event if it involves any mention of eggs or fallopian tubing. Or that Jenni Murray from Woman’s Hour.

The entire Easter business has been declared ‘offensive, almost to Ken Livingston levels’ by the chief Rabbi, so this year’s hunt will take place during Yom Kippur or possibly Ramadan.

Free entry! Fun for all the family! (No children under 18 due to Health & Safety risk of falling over on grass. May contain nuts).

 

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