Breaking News: May Calls June Election – Corbyn Prepares For Move To Number 10 – Delia Smith Marries Camel

Live Reporting: (please imagine BBC News-type dramatic music while reading. Also some whizzy graphics if you can manage it. Thanks.)

11:09 Prime Minister Theresa May announces snap general election for June 8.

11:10 Theresa May tells the media: ‘I have concluded the only way to guarantee certainty and security for years ahead is to throw the entire country into a blind panic for the next two months and leave the nation utterly rudderless upon a storm-tossed sea of chaos and uncertainty. That’s how you set people’s minds at rest, that is.’

11:11 Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn seeks employment in bicycle repair shop close to his Islington home. So do 150 other Labour MPs.

11:12 Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn fails interview at bicycle repair shop. Is told Gregg’s might be looking for a Saturday girl if he’s interested. Lack of ‘O’ Levels may be a problem.

11:13 National media suddenly realises it’s forgotten to ask Lib Dems what they think about election news. Decide to go to pub first. Might get round to Dems later.

11:14 Ukip blames the French.

More to follow…

 

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