‘Global Communism A Really, Really Good Thing’ – Trump’s Dramatic Policy U-Turn

Concerns have been raised today over US president Donald Trump’s geo-political world view amid fears that he may have fallen under the influence of China’s president Xi Jinping.

‘Donald really, really wanted to be best friends with Vladimir Putin,’ said one White House staffer speaking anonymously today, ‘but obviously that’s all gone kablooey since we blew up Syria and everything.

‘But he’s taken a real shine to President Xi instead. He sits on his knee and listens to ‘uncle’ (as he calls him) Xi’s stories for hours. Problem is, we think he believes them, and that’s starting to cause a few problems.’

President Trump’s recent assertion that ‘Korea actually used to be a part of China’,  caused some disquiet among the USA’s traditional allies in the region, being totally untrue and whatnot, but his recent pronouncement that ‘Canada is actually still part of Cuba’ has lead commentators to fear that President Xi’s influence over Mr Trump is growing.

‘Shut up. Australia is part of Szechuan province and always has been. Everyone knows that’, said Mr Trump when challenged on his grasp of the history of the Pacific region, ‘and, I mean, if Japan wasn’t part of China, how come they all speak Chinese? Tell me that, huh? Drops mic. Boom!’

New Jersey
Translation: ‘President Xi welcomes you to New Jersey!’

Mr Trump has also taken to eating his chocolate cake with chopsticks and claims the greatest movie of all time is Raise the Red Lantern, replacing his previous favourite Alvin and the Chipmunks II: The Squeakquel.

He also says Melania’s feet are too big and need wrapping up in towels, or something.

 

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