In a dazzling exhibition of blue-sky thinking Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has revealed a cunning plan to decimate his own party at June’s general election in order to win the moral argument and confound the Tories or something.
‘Yeah,’ said a Labour spokesman this morning, ‘we were hoping to keep the leader’s plan secret a bit longer, but after yesterday’s performance it became so obvious we were trying to lose the election intentionally we thought we may as well come clean.’
The first phase of Mr Corbyn’s plan centred on persuading his most capable and electable MPs to quit and then sending the party’s intellectual torch bearer, MP Dawn ‘two brains’ Butler, to make a right tit of herself live on the BBC.
‘It’s been a great day,’ said one Labour insider last night, ‘if you want to lose an election, you really couldn’t have started your campaign any better.
‘Jeremy’s decision not to let anyone in the party know any of our policies was a stroke of genius. None of us had a clue whether we were going to call for another Brexit referendum until tea time!
‘And sending Dawn Butler on to the airwaves to repeat the phrase ‘rigging the system’ 300 times before libelling a respected and law-abiding high street retailer was a masterstroke!’
Theresa May responded to Labour’s novel plan to remain in opposition forever by instructing her MPs and party activists to ‘go home, put your feet up and let Jeremy do the work. See you on June 9 for brunch. I’m paying.’
Later today, in order to absolutely guarantee electoral oblivion, Mr Corbyn plans to unleash his ‘nuclear option’ when Ken Livingstone and Shami Chakrabarti will appear on Andrew Neil’s Daily Politics show to premier their hilarious take on Mel Brooks’ Springtime for Hitler, featuring new lyrics aimed at cementing once and for all the Führer’s impeccable Zionist credentials.