When asked what, as prime minister, he would write in the ‘letters of last resort’ which are opened by captains of Britain’s nuclear strike submarines in the event that the government and the entire country has been vaporised by the Russians, Mr Corbyn said that he would instruct the navy to hang around a bit and then ‘follow orders when given’.
He might also direct them to ‘have a nice cup of tea while they’re waiting’ and ‘sing Kumbaya‘.
Bombing the crap out of Moscow did not appear to form any part of his plans for the defence of Britain.
News this morning that Bananarama are to reunite immediately started speculation in the media that the girl trio are being brought out of retirement to add steel to Labour’s defence policy, mainly because it can’t possibly be because people want to hear them sing. For God’s sake.
Jason Donovan is expected to be named shadow minister without portfolio later today. One or both of Milli Vanilli are to become party chairman.
In future public appearances Jeremy Corbyn will be required to mime to a pre-recorded backing track prepared by Rick Astley. Or possible Nick Heyward. Or Kajagoogoo. Whatever, it can’t possibly be worse than what he comes out with at the moment, according to Labour sources.