Build. That. Wall! Some. Where. Else! – The News In Brief

US President Donald Trump has been applauded today for agreeing to moderate some of his election campaign pledges in a bid to unite his country.

Now that the rapist-proof fence between the US and Mexico is no longer to be built, Mr Trump has bigly scaled-back some of his other previously announced plans.

According to White House sources the president will no longer put a time frame on ‘making America great again’. He is said to accept the possibility of making America ‘mediocre but still better than France’ by the end of his term in office but is aiming for the more ambitious target of making America ‘pretty cool compared to Nicaragua’ by the end of next year.

Also ‘America First’ has been sidelined for a more realistic ‘China First, America Second, but North Korea Definitely Blown Up’.


IN OTHER NEWS: As the UK general election campaign heats up, commentators are still trying to establish exactly how gay you are allowed to be and still vote Liberal Democrat.

After party leader Tim Farron’s apparent ambivalence on the matter, the Mercury contacted Lib Dem central office to clarify his position.

lib dems
Lib Dem activists campaigning on the streets of Darlington yesterday

Apparently, listening to Kylie Minogue albums is acceptable so long as you are fully dressed, and holding hands is fine. Kissing is borderline but you can get away with it if it’s dark and no-one is looking.

Consensual intercourse is okay but enjoying it is totally unacceptable and probably identifies you as a Tory cabinet minister. Either way you’re going to hell.

We did asked about fisting and dressing up as nuns in saunas, but they put the phone down.

 

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