Campaigning for the general election has been suspended today so that candidates and political activists can celebrate the national Ed Balls Day holiday at home with friends and loved ones.
‘It’s a magical time of the year,’ the Prime Minister said in a televised address to the nation last night, ‘a time when people put aside their differences and come together in joyful celebration of a numerically illiterate fat bloke who can’t dance, play football or get elected to parliament.’
The annual Ed Balls Day parade will take place in central London this afternoon and will feature, as is traditional, an hilarious line-up of once-prominent politicians who lost their seats under particularly humiliating circumstances. Michael Portillo will be crowned this year’s carnival queen.
In other election news: Senior Tories are expected to spend the day-long hiatus in campaigning strapping Theresa May to a chair and throwing buckets of water over her until she agrees to stop replying to every damn question with the words ‘what we need in this country is strong and stable leadership’, because it’s doing our heads in, frankly.