New European Doping Rules To Improve Quality Of Life For Repeat Offenders But Not Paula Radcliffe

New proposals from European Athletics that world records set before 2005 should be reset due to doping have been greeted enthusiastically by one Dalston man today.

‘Yeah,’ said Jeff Calhoun this morning, ‘it would be a big relief to me and several of my family members if our records from before 2005 – or even last Tuesday come to think of it – could be expunged. Pronto.’

Mr Calhoun, who holds the unofficial world sprint record for the distance between Stoke Newington police station and his gran’s house in Haggerston, agrees that drugs have been a blight on his line of work and have distorted performance records for many years.

new record
Mr Calhoun adds to his impressive record earlier this week. Although they never found the DVD players so they’ve got nothing on him, apparently

‘Oh, definitely,’ he told the Mercury, ‘I was ripped to the tits for years, mate. Completely out of my gourd throughout the best years of my career.

‘I would never have held half them records if it wasn’t for all the toot, no way. But you get a beak full of the old Colombian marching powder and off you go; up the nearest drain pipe, next stop Bellmarsh. Records galore. It’s got to stop.’

Mr Calhoun claims to¬†sympathise with Britain’s Paula Radcliffe, who faces losing her 2003 marathon world record under the new proposals, but says if it helps him avoid another five stretch in Brixton he’s willing to live with her pain.

 

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