‘It’s All Going Terribly Well’ – HRH Sir Paul Nuttall, PhD, KG, QC (Mrs)

As results from yesterday’s local and mayoral elections come in Ukip leader and the self-styled ‘most honest man in politics’ Paul Nuttall has been trumpeting his party’s historic achievement at the polls.

According to a spokesman for the party, not only is Ukip now the bookies’ favourite to form the next government on June 8, but Mr Nuttall himself is about to be named the next Dr Who.

Rumours and hard incontrovertible facts suggesting Ukip have lost every seat they fought in yesterday’s elections have been dismissed by Mr Nuttall’s camp as ‘fake news’ and evidence of liberal media bias against the party.

‘And in any case,’ said Mr Nuttall this morning, ‘when you’re balancing the twin roles of centre forward for Real Madrid and Secretary-General of the United Nations – like what I am – there are bound to be a few bumps in the road.

‘But as I said to my lovely and supportive wife Jennifer Lopez last night: ‘for God’s sake, get off me and let Keira Knightly have a turn’.

Mrs Paul Nuttall
Mrs Paul Nuttall arrives at the Boston & Skegness count last night

Mr Nuttall is still deciding whether he will be able to fulfil his duties as Prime Minister in light of his recent appointments as Bishop of Bath & Wells and co-host of The Great British Bake Off. He told the Mercury that he’ll give it a go so long as he’s ‘not too busy doing cataract operations in Africa, for charity and that’.

 

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