Labour Manifesto: ‘Tonight We’re Gonna Party Like It’s 1969’

Following the leak of their election manifesto last night Labour have acted swiftly to reassure voters that they are not about to drag the country back to the 1970s.

‘We’re about to drag the country back to the 1970s,’ said a party spokesman this morning, ‘but in a good way.’

‘We are not going back to the 1970s of three-day weeks, power cuts, mountains of uncollected rubbish festering in the streets and the dead hand of the trade unions directing government policy. Well, maybe that last one, but definitely not the others.

‘We’re going to reintroduce the things people really liked about the ’70s: Noel Edmonds’ Multi-Coloured Swap Shop; Skippy the Bush Kangaroo; brown cars with vinyl roofs; Barbara Windsor’s breasts; footballers with perms breaking each other’s legs on grassless mud baths; the blonde one from ABBA; race riots; pubic hair; Gary Glitter; sophisticated dinner parties serving mushroom vol-au-vents followed by chicken-in-a-basket and black forest gateaux washed down with a bottle of Blue Nun (or, for the gentlemen, Long Life lager and Watney’s Red Barrel).’

Party spokesmen have also claimed Labour’s transport plans will provide ‘a huge shot in the arm for the British pogo stick and Space Hopper industries. Until we nationalise them, of course. Which we will on June 9.’

The 7:43 from Ebbsfleet to London St Pancras under Labour’s new transport proposals

The Scottish Nationalists have attacked Labour’s plans for failing to guarantee the return of the Bay City Rollers, even the horse-faced drummer who became a male nurse when the hits dried up. Also the Krankies. And Billy Bremner.

The Greens have complained that the static electricity generated by all that polyester will melt the ice caps or something.

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