Super-Advanced Sex Dolls ‘Now Even Worse Than Wives’

Concerns have been raised today about the threat to human life posed by advances in artificial intelligence after a Dalston man reported his sex doll to the police for mental cruelty.

‘She was lovely at first,’ the man told the Mercury this morning, ‘I went for the deluxe self-lubricating ‘petite’ model with the standard 46″ triple F cup and the fully programmable mood option.’

The man, who wishes to remain anonymous on the grounds that he is a pitiful loser who can’t get a girlfriend, told us that life with his doll was idyllic at first.

‘For example,’ he said, ‘I remember coming home from the Star Trek convention one evening. I was still dressed as a Klingon but Beyoncé said I looked like a sex god in latex and we had a wonderful evening together.’

‘It was only about a week later when she told me to put the bins out that I started to become concerned.’

The victim believes he had accidentally turned on Beyoncé’s ‘moody’ function using her smart phone app before losing the phone on a bus.

‘It was awful,’ he said, ‘she belittled me at every opportunity: criticised my lack of dynamism in the workplace; made fun of my manhood; questioned my sexual orientation. It was just like being back home with my mother.

beyonce
‘I could’ve married a lawyer’ – an unrepentant Beyonce this morning

‘I daren’t even go back to the flat now. I’m sleeping in a cupboard at the call centre until her batteries go flat.’

The man’s plight was made even worse on Friday when Beyoncé’s hard drive was infected by the WannaCry ransomware virus. Her legs have been permanently locked down unless he pays £230 in bitcoins to some Ukrainian hackers.

 

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