After leaking classified information on anticipated Isis attacks to Russia’s foreign minister, Donald Trump has vowed today to continue making the world a safer place by ‘spilling his guts to anyone who will listen’.
The US president is expected to personally escort Vladimir Putin on a guided tour of the nation’s nuclear weapons facilities later today and will be sure to point out where the ‘off’ button is.
Turkey’s president Recep Tayyip Erdoğan is coming for a sleepover and a go at driving an American aircraft carrier around the eastern Mediterranean. Mr Trump might let him shoot at journalists with a F16 if they really get on.
And Kim Jong-un has asked if he can take a look at that suitcase containing the nuclear launch codes, because he’s trying to make one just like it but hasn’t managed to get it quite right yet.
Mr Trump told him: ‘Sure. Bigly. We’ll have cake, it’ll be amazing, you can press all the buttons you want. Photos? Take as many as you like, little guy. Have you seen our cool list of undercover CIA operatives working overseas? No? Come with me – you’ll love it. Bigly.’
In Other ‘You Couldn’t Make It Up If You Were Whacked-Out On Monkey Juice’ News: Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen has reinforced the White House’s reputation for entirely appropriate and un-creepy father / daughter relationships by tweeting a photo of 21-year old Samantha Cohen in her underwear. Apparently the burger shots won’t be ready until next week but will be posted on the White House website and Instagram account as soon as they become available.