Pippa Middleton’s Bottom To Heal Sectarian Rift & Deliver Labour To Power

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is expected to offer a seat in his shadow cabinet to Pippa Middleton later today. This comes after press coverage of Ms Middleton’s lavish wedding helpfully obliterated any mention of Mr Corbyn’s alleged enthusiasm for Irish people blowing stuff up.

The Daily Telegraph’s six thousand column inches on the society wedding of the year broke the incendiary news that a woman – wearing a dress – married a posh bloke – in a church, no less – watched by friends and family members.

The couple later drove off together. In. A. Car!

Speeches were reported to have been made, champagne drunk and wedding analysts have speculated that at some point during the event canapés may have been eaten. Several middle-aged male guests will have attempted to dance with tragic consequences, and at least one bridesmaid will have been felt up behind a Portaloo by a member of the band, almost certainly a saxophonist.

Crucially for Labour however, Jerry Adams was not on the guest list and nobody tried to explode anything, unless you count the best man popping inflated condoms ‘for a laugh’.

pippa
Pippa Middleton and some bloke rush off to leaflet Darlington in the cause of international socialism

Mr Corbyn is expected to offer Ms Middleton (or whatever she’s called now) the prestigious dinner party and flower arranging portfolio. Or defence, whatever.

Ms Middleton – who looks like a committed Marxist, albeit with a nicer than average bottom – is almost bound to accept. I mean, who wouldn’t?

 

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