Join The Mercury’s Non-Denominational, Seasonally Non-Specific, Generationally Inclusive, Lactose-Free, Non-Competitive Chocolate-Based Hunt-Themed Event! (No Dogs, No Irish)

Always delighted to balance the demands of fundamentalist secularism, the Anglican Church, Ukip, LGBT+ groups, single mothers, childless couples, agnostic farm animals, the Jewish Chronicle, his Holiness the Pope, and the European Union, the Dalston Mercury has cancelled its annual Easter Egg hunt on London Fields and has replaced it with something much less fascistic and socially divisive.

As a response to demands from the EU the British-made chocolate constituent of our eggs has been renamed ‘recidivist vege-sludge’ by the Belgians but, due to record levels of obesity among our young people, has been replaced anyway by a baked lentil substitute.

Last year’s event. What WERE we thinking? Those children are probably all dead now. Or they’ve joined Isis

The formerly traditional egg-shape (or ‘prolate spheroid’ as our lawyers call it) is considered offensive by vegans and the Vatican, who would prefer a chocolate Judas Iscariot hanging from a tree (the Vatican, not the vegans). Transgender women have threatened to boycott the event if it involves any mention of eggs or fallopian tubing. Or that Jenni Murray from Woman’s Hour.

The entire Easter business has been declared ‘offensive, almost to Ken Livingston levels’ by the chief Rabbi, so this year’s hunt will take place during Yom Kippur or possibly Ramadan.

Free entry! Fun for all the family! (No children under 18 due to Health & Safety risk of falling over on grass. May contain nuts).


United Airlines Inspires Gratuitous Profit-Related Beatings – Shares At New High

United Airlines robust approach to customer relations has been praised by Dalston businesses today amid growing concerns that people are increasingly insistent on being treated decently and getting what they paid for.

‘We in the Dalston Chamber of Commerce fully endorse and support United Airlines’ right to hoik any bugger they choose off a plane, especially if they don’t like the look of ’em,’ said a spokesman for several local restaurateurs this morning.

‘Restaurants, like airlines, frequently find themselves overbooked through no fault of their own,’ said the spokesman, ‘especially on Valentine’s Day and Mothering Sunday and such.’

‘So we are determined to follow United’s novel yet compassionate approach to the problem. Which is to say we send in four or five uniformed thugs to identify anyone not eating fast enough (or only ordering the cheaper items on the menu) and then punch them in the face and hurl the cheap bastards onto the pavement. I can see a day when this becomes established business practice. And quite right too.’

Mr and Mrs Nigel Henderson of Stoke Newington attempt to order one dessert to share between two

Local NHS chiefs are also interested in the United Airlines patented customer fast-track techniques. A spokesman for Dalston Royal Infirmary’s A&E department told the Mercury: ‘Yeah, we have our share of malingerers and hypochondriacs.

‘Normally we just ignore them until they die or fall into a comatose state, at which point we sneak them out the back and leave them in front of a different hospital.

‘But it would be kinder, really, if we could just beat the crap out of them and drag them screaming through the waiting room, ignoring their claims of legitimate illness, before dumping them in the road.

‘United are definitely on to something. Hospitals are no place for sick people after all, just as airliners are wasted on people who want to travel to somewhere else. I hate the public. Selfish bastards.’


Labour To Help Fat Kids Lose Weight By Giving Them Free Food

As part of the Labour party’s selfless quest to amuse the nation and secure Tory hegemony for ever, shadow foreign secretary Emily Thornberry has pledged to make poor, fat children thin by giving them free school meals and teaching them to grow carrots.

Nutritionists have leapt to flag the major a flaw in Labour’s position, namely that Ms Thorberry was herself a recipient of free school meals and yet remains a bit of a porker.

We asked whether the absence of a carrot-centric market-gardening element to Ms Thornberry’s education might explain the bingo wings but nutritionists we spoke to said it was more likely down to pies and lager.

Fresh carrots
Carrots: Labour’s solution to the Syrian crisis. Probably. And Brexit.

In Other News: The English people – every one of them – came together this morning to offer thanks to the English Defence League for doing such a bang-up job of defending us, our values and everything we stand for through their traditional method of showing the world that England still has its fair share of knuckle-dragging racist morons.

After nobly encouraging his followers to gang-up on a single woman at a rally in Birmingham on Saturday, EDL leader Ian Crossland further burnished his reputation as the moral leader of the English people with the following passage of soaring Churchillian rhetoric: ‘She’s lucky she got any teeth left’.

This memorable phrase – complete with its eye-catching disregard for grammar and punctuation – is expected to enter the lexicon of inspiring political oratory immediately and is likely to appear on the new £10 note when it is issued later this year.


Eating Things Makes You Worse Than Hitler – Football Association

The president of Iceland has become embroiled in the furore over the sacking of roly-poly Sutton United goalkeeper Wayne Shaw.

Mr Shaw was forced to resign after being shown eating a pie on live television during his club’s FA Cup tie with Arsenal on Monday.

Icelandic president Mr Guðni Th. Jóhannesson has recently emerged as the world’s foremost authority on the complex etiquette surrounding takeaway food, having correctly ruled that putting pineapple on pizza should be punishable by death, at the very least.

Pepperoni-loving Iceland president Gudni Th. Johannesson this morning

Mr Jóhannesson is to be consulted by the enlightened and fun-loving Football Association in the case of the demonstrably evil Mr Shaw whose pie-eating outrage threatened the very fabric of British society.

However, despite self evidently being a scion of Beelzebub, Mr Shaw has received support from former Labour party leader Ed Milliband, who was himself sacked by the British public for eating a bacon sandwich.


Donald Trump ‘Like The Fat, Orange Zoella Of Politics’

Following the eye-catching resignation of his National Security Advisor, Donald Trump has been praised as a perfect president for the social media generation by political analysts this morning.

‘Yeah,’ said Dr Ipsus Morrie, professor of Political Guesswork at the prestigious Dalston University, ‘it’s been established beyond all doubt that anyone under the age of 35 has the attention span of a boiled egg.

‘So Mr Trump is simply giving younger voters the kind of presidency they can relate to; by which I mean one that’s over in about ten minutes.’

President Trump presents his latest executive order to the world’s press

It is Dr Morrie’s assertion that Mr Trump’s administration is attempting to condense both terms of Richard Nixon’s presidency into a neat, easily marketable three month greatest hits package.

‘We’re not suggesting the president is modelling himself exclusively on Nixon,’ Dr Morrie told the Mercury, ‘Obviously the shameless self-promotion, sucking-up to morally bankrupt foreign powers and paranoid mistrust of the press are pure Nixon.

‘But his inclination to whip out the little general every time an attractive woman enters the room is more JFK or LBJ. And his intent to plunge the nation into civil war is apparently inspired by James Buchanan.’

‘However, President Trump’s true originality lies in his determination to get the whole thing over with pronto. Sackings, resignations, nepotism, legal battles – a whole presidency’s worth of calamity in only 24 days! Genius!

‘Another month and we’ll be through the catastrophic military adventurism, global economic melt-down, assassination attempts, constitutional crisis, illegitimate children, a Vegas fan dancer promoted to Secretary of State, indictment, disgrace, resignation, presidential pardon, best-selling memoir and death at the age of 92. A month, tops. Even Americans should be able to pay attention for that long.’

In keeping with current trends toward shorter political terms that cut out all the boring bits, Dr Morrie predicts the next Prime Minister will be a 12-year-old girl who buys clothes and makeup from Matalan and then talks about it on YouTube.


Social Media ‘Wiping Out Entire Generation Of Half-Wits’ – University Report

Prestigious Dalston University (previously the East London College of Remedial Learning and Basket Weaving) has launched a new scheme aimed at teaching students how to eat food, following record numbers of deaths on campus caused by starvation.

The scheme, which is aimed specifically at millennials among the student body, begins with a foundation course on ‘inserting food into the mouth’ before moving on to ‘basic chewing techniques’ and a more advanced ‘swallowing stuff’ module.

The advent of Instagram has been blamed by members of the faculty for the unusually high numbers of emaciated students dropping dead at the university.

‘They spend so long taking pictures of their damn lunch,’ explained one lecturer, ‘that they’ve lost the knack of actually eating it.’

‘We’re seeing an entire generation completely proficient at ordering four-day-smoked pulled pork on a gluten-free brioche bun served with a heritage tomato and balsamic salad, but who don’t have a clue what to do with it after taking a picture to share with their followers.

Dalston University refectory (photo courtesy of the late Steve Mullet)

‘By the time they’ve got the lighting right and have organised their witless friends to make ‘V’ signs in the background, they’ve forgotten what they came in for.

‘Last week, one girl actually went into a diabetic coma and died face down in her organic guinea fowl and quinoa tabouleh. If she’d just inhaled while she was down there she might have lived but, tragically, she didn’t even survive long enough to post the picture of her starter on Pinterest.’

According to phone service providers, if current trends continue, photographs of uneaten meals threaten to outnumber naked selfies and close-ups of genitalia posted by millennial customers. This is a development that further alarms university authorities.

‘God help us if the little sods lose interest in sex too,’ said one staff member, ‘if it wasn’t for fellatio half these bloody kids wouldn’t be eating anything at all.’

In addition to the university’s core ‘Eat Food and Survive’ program, an introductory course in ‘fork recognition’ is offered to students under the age of 35. Also, there’s ‘napkin-ology’ for anyone from the north.


Bank Of England Counts Broccoli Instead Of Money – The News In Brief

Scotland, Graveyard of the Labour Party:  There were celebrations in Scotland today after major supermarkets announced they are to begin rationing vegetables due to a Europe-wide shortage.

Poor growing conditions in Spain mean that sales of iceberg lettuce and broccoli are being restricted, with customers only able to purchase two lettuces or three heads of broccoli at a time.

Three heads of broccoli is more than Scotland managed to consume during the whole of 2016, and the good news is that customers will soon be faced with restrictions on purchases of courgettes, tomatoes and aubergines too.

No Scottish person has ever eaten an aubergine, but the fact that they have been available at all is seen by most Scots as a wilful provocation and an attempt by the Westminster government to impose cultural hegemony on the country.

Vile Sassenach plotters this morning

Nicola Sturgeon says that vegetables make a second independence referendum more likely.

She also says that trees, sky and the laughter of innocent children make a second independence referendum more likely.

The Bank of England, London:  The Governor and the Monetary Policy Committee of the Bank of England are to be banned from making any future predictions on the economy after being marked ‘0/10, See Me!‘ on their last fifteen growth forecasts.

From now on Mark Carney and his mathematically-challenged colleagues will only be allowed to predict things that have already happened.

Early results are promising: ‘We had a go at predicting the result of the 1997 FA Cup Final,’ one senior bank official told the Mercury, ‘and we almost got it right. Not the score exactly, but we forecast that at least one of the teams would be wearing shorts, and they were. So that’s pretty good, all told…’

After being given some extra help with adding-up and taking-away, the committee will attempt to predict the outcome of the Crimean War and whether 1967 has happened yet.


Labour’s Debbonaire Tulips Threaten Boringly Named Tories

Labour has been accused of ‘smokescreen tactics’ over the party’s stance on article 50, the bill that triggers the process to leave the EU.

‘It’s completely unfair,’ whined one Tory MP last night, ‘nobody is talking about the utter shambles of Labour’s position; the press should be all over Jeremy Corbyn, but instead it’s all ‘Ooh! Look at the pretty names!’ and stuff.’

All of the MPs rebelling against Mr Corbyn’s order to vote for article 50 are possessed of extraordinarily exotic and beautiful names; among the most breathtakingly distracting names in the history of parliamentary democracy, in fact.

Shadow education secretary Tulip Siddiq came out against Mr Corbyn yesterday, to be followed today by Thangam Debbonaire and Daniel Zeichner (whose middle name is Florian. Probably).

For a time it was rumoured that Jeff Smith had also joined the rebels, but this has been strongly denied by the party. Clive Lewis is also keeping his head down.

Pittsburgh Steelers v New York Jets
A Labour rebel (right) gets to grips with the common agricultural policy

Zaphod Beeblebrox, MP for Harlow West, is expected to state his opposition to article 50 later today, as is deputy chief whip Hotblack Desiato.

They will be joined by D’Brickashaw Ferguson who, inconveniently, is an offensive lineman for the New York Jets, but has been temporarily drafted in by Mr Corbyn’s office anyway. For his unparalleled expertise in European trade law, or something.

‘Make Donald Trump Eat Burnt Toast’ Demand Protestors – The News In Brief

The Sea, Just To The Left Of Cornwall:  News that a British Trident nuclear missile veered off course during tests last summer has caused a diplomatic rift on two continents.

The missile, fired from HMS Vengeance, was intended to head for Africa, the navy’s traditional target for wayward ordinance, but instead set off for the USA entirely of its own volition. African governments are a bit conflicted about the news.

Interviewed after the incident the missile denied accusations that it had simply been trying to put the USA out of its misery before the election of Donald Trump, but no-one really believes it.

London, England, Where The Queen Lives:  Brown food gives you cancer, according to new research. Also, yellow food makes your legs fall off and green food makes you vote Liberal Democrat whether you want to or not.

The race is on among farmers and supermarkets to discover more blue food, which is really good for you apparently, although a hint of aquamarine means you will die childless and alone on a singles’ cruise to Tangier.

Washington DC, America, Where All Hope Is Fading Daily:  A campaign has been launched by concerned journalists following the debut of Sean Spicer as the official White House Risible-Fantasist-In-Residence.

The For Christ’s Sake Buy Sean Spicer A Suit That Fits campaign was started by Washington Post employees after Mr Spicer appeared on live TV wearing a suit obviously borrowed from a recently disinterred corpse.

Absolutely Fabulous! – Sean Spicer knocks ’em dead

‘Even allowing for the fact that he must’ve worn it for a bet,’ said one journalist who experienced the polyester garment up close, ‘the suit undermines the status and dignity of the office and of the country. Plus, the static it produces made our cameras go all funny.

‘I can take four years of lies, obfuscation and swivel-eyed hostility from Trump spokesmen, but the suit has to go. He looks like Don Corleone dressed by Primark. In the dark.’

The French and Italian governments have severed diplomatic relations with the US until the offending suit has been replaced. ‘By a burlap sack, if necessary,’ said one particularly catty French diplomat as he packed his bags.


‘Eat Kale Or Die!’ – Dalston Publican Goes Mad / Gets Rich

Dalston’s most self-consciously middle-class pub, the Lambent Whelk, is to launch an entirely new menu based on the indisputable scientific principle of ‘clean eating’.

‘Yeah,’ said the pub’s owner and executive nutritionist Mr Gideon Porter-Seabass, ‘I was, like, totally inspired by that Horizon programme about clean eating this week. It was a real wake-up call for us here at the Whelk.’

The principles of clean eating – which, like all important lifestyle innovations these days, were devised by soulless, greedy Americans with fake PhDs – mean avoiding processed food, grain and meat while eating lots of grated vegetables and going ‘Om’ a lot.

The effects on the body of a ‘clean’ diet include developing an unbearable air of superiority followed by rapid weight loss and an early death. Among its advocates only Gwyneth Paltrow has survived into middle age. Alas.

‘Because we care so much about the health of our customers,’ Mr Porter-Seabass told the Mercury, ‘we will do almost anything to lighten their wallets – heavy wallets being the number one cause of chiropractic distress in the Western world.

‘So our new menu replaces all that toxic meat and pastry, bread, puddings etc with carrots. Raw, obviously.

Carrots. (Mud costs extra)

‘And because we have to interview the carrots individually before the grating process can begin – in order to confirm each vegetable’s absolute commitment to the wellbeing of our customers – a starter of shredded roots served with a glass of bespoke water comes to £19.50. Which is a bit of a result. For us. And the punters. But mainly us.’

The Lambent Whelk’s Radish Wednesday event earlier this week was a huge hit, with bovine cretins queuing around the block to be ripped-off in the manner traditional to Dalston foodies.

Some sort of celery-fest is also threatened. Advance booking recommended (as is a trip to McDonald’s afterwards).