Labour Party ‘Giving Car-Crashes A Bad Name’

The British Stock Car Union (BSCU) has announced it is to sue the Labour party for bringing car-crashes into disrepute.

‘It’s outrageous what’s happening,’ said BSCU spokesman Jeff ‘Sparky’ Plugg this morning, ‘for over 50 years we have been providing wholesome family entertainment by crashing cars into one another.

‘Through our efforts people all over the country have come to associate the sickening crunch of metal, the cries of the dying and the distant wail of sirens with a good day out.’

Since the start of the general election campaign, however, the term ‘horrifying car-crash, many dead’ has become loaded with negative connotations according to Mr Plugg.

‘Bloody Diane Abbott!’ he said. ‘It’s mainly down to her that the word ‘interview’ is now invariably prefixed with the phrase ‘car-crash’. She’s taken something that was good and pure and turned it into a byword for political ineptitude.

diane abbott crash
Diane Abbott this morning

‘And if it’s not her promising to provide a million new police officers at the cost of 12 pence it’s Jeremy-bloody-Corbyn pledging to spend billions on new nuclear weapons but maintaining his pacifist position by sending a letter to the Russians promising never, ever to use them.

‘And every time Emily Thornberry opens her trap the public hears the screech of brakes and the awful rending of tortured steel. But not in a good way. We want our brand back!’

Mr Plugg also has issues with Keir Starmer’s hair, but that seemed a bit beside the point to us.

New European Doping Rules To Improve Quality Of Life For Repeat Offenders But Not Paula Radcliffe

New proposals from European Athletics that world records set before 2005 should be reset due to doping have been greeted enthusiastically by one Dalston man today.

‘Yeah,’ said Jeff Calhoun this morning, ‘it would be a big relief to me and several of my family members if our records from before 2005 – or even last Tuesday come to think of it – could be expunged. Pronto.’

Mr Calhoun, who holds the unofficial world sprint record for the distance between Stoke Newington police station and his gran’s house in Haggerston, agrees that drugs have been a blight on his line of work and have distorted performance records for many years.

new record
Mr Calhoun adds to his impressive record earlier this week. Although they never found the DVD players so they’ve got nothing on him, apparently

‘Oh, definitely,’ he told the Mercury, ‘I was ripped to the tits for years, mate. Completely out of my gourd throughout the best years of my career.

‘I would never have held half them records if it wasn’t for all the toot, no way. But you get a beak full of the old Colombian marching powder and off you go; up the nearest drain pipe, next stop Bellmarsh. Records galore. It’s got to stop.’

Mr Calhoun claims to sympathise with Britain’s Paula Radcliffe, who faces losing her 2003 marathon world record under the new proposals, but says if it helps him avoid another five stretch in Brixton he’s willing to live with her pain.


Islamic State To Send Fruit Basket To Google

As home secretary Amber Rudd prepares to call in Facebook, WhatsApp and other social media sites said to be facilitating the distribution of extremist propaganda, a Dalston newsagent claims to have been summoned to Whitehall as part of the same crackdown.

‘I’m completely with Mark Zuckerberg and Google on this one,’ said Mr Barry Oboe of Oboe’s News & Wine, ‘I’m not a media outlet, I’m just providing a platform that people use to keep in touch with each other.

‘It’s just not reasonable to expect me to police and censor every last postcard I put up in my shop window. If one advertising for ‘penpal for jihadi psychopath’ slips through the net – as may have occurred last week – it’s hardly my fault is it? And I imaging the geezer at WhatsApp feels exactly the same.’

fruit basket
‘Dear Mr Zuckerberg, thanks for everything, love Ahmed and the boys’

In other news: Two prisoners currently on remand at HM Prison Dalston are to sue the home secretary claiming they ‘suffered distress’ and ‘were subjected to life-changing psychological cruelty’ after they were forced to watch England’s World Cup qualifier against Lithuania last night.

‘The remote was broken,’ one of the men told the Mercury, ‘the telly was stuck on ITV. We just couldn’t turn it off. It was horrible, just horrible. I don’t want to think about it – locked in that cell with Gareth Southgate for two hours!’

Eminent french philosopher Jean Paul Sartre is to give evidence on behalf of the men having made his reputation establishing beyond doubt that watching England play against small eastern European nations is, existentially speaking, the working definition of soul-crushing ennui.

Albert Camus, in contrast, thinks they should have played a big man up front and a diamond formation in midfield.


Red Nose Day In Dalston – Nudity, Bloodletting And Aggravated Larceny For All The Family!

As local schools and businesses celebrate Red Nose Day and the BBC prepares for its annual Comic Relief charity marathon, residents of Dalston’s Clement Attlee Estate are warming up for their own traditional fundraiser tonight.

‘Yeah,’ said Dalston’s Red Nose supremo Vince ‘Biggles’ Calhoun this morning, ‘people in this estate would do anything to help the kiddies. Even foreign ones that live in mud huts and that. We’re not picky.’

Planned events include a sponsored pole dancing marathon in the snug of the White Horse public house, a Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown video marathon in the bar of the White Horse public house and a winner-stays-on bare knuckle boxing marathon in the car park of the White Horse public house (although this last event is not exclusive to Red Nose Day and takes place nightly at various locations around the Clement Attlee estate).

ed balls stripper
A participant in the Dalston pole dancing marathon warms up for the event. Cough up or the boxers come off

Other fundraising innovations include a bring and buy sale at which recent arrivals to the Dalston area will be invited to buy back their own mobile phones and then keep schtum about it or else.

Last year’s Clement Attlee Estate Red Nose appeal raised ‘shed loads’ of cash, every penny of which went to help disadvantaged children – most of them resident in the Clement Attlee Estate – who would otherwise not have been able to afford such essentials as Playstation consoles, bail money and fortnights in Magaluf.


Nicola Sturgeon: Scottish Independence Referendum ‘Nothing To Do With Rugby’

Scottish National Party officials have confirmed this morning what everybody already suspected: that the timing of Nicola Sturgeon’s speech demanding a second Scottish Independence referendum had absolutely nothing to do with the Scotland rugby team being thrashed 300 – nil by England at the weekend.

‘Of course it has nothing to do with that rugby match. Which was a draw, by the way,’ said one member of the SNP team responsible for drawing-up the party’s economic policy.

‘Responding that way to the result of a sporting contest would suggest we are a bunch of thin-skinned jingoists motivated exclusively by our entirely justifiable loathing of the English. And nothing could be further from the truth.’

‘And in any case,’ he went on, ‘you didn’t win, you cheated. Just like at Culloden. And at the last referendum. Which we won. Bloody English.’

The SNP Economic Policy Unit. Or it might be the Scottish second row, we’re not sure…

In addition to demanding a second referendum, Ms Sturgeon is said to be planning the third and fourth Scottish Independence referendums well in advance, just in case number two doesn’t go her way either.

According to Hollyrood sources, referendum number three is necessary so the Scottish people can have their say on the Highland Clearances, which a majority of them opposed, while number four is something to do with The Krankies being fired from Crackerjack in 1976.


Eating Things Makes You Worse Than Hitler – Football Association

The president of Iceland has become embroiled in the furore over the sacking of roly-poly Sutton United goalkeeper Wayne Shaw.

Mr Shaw was forced to resign after being shown eating a pie on live television during his club’s FA Cup tie with Arsenal on Monday.

Icelandic president Mr Guðni Th. Jóhannesson has recently emerged as the world’s foremost authority on the complex etiquette surrounding takeaway food, having correctly ruled that putting pineapple on pizza should be punishable by death, at the very least.

Pepperoni-loving Iceland president Gudni Th. Johannesson this morning

Mr Jóhannesson is to be consulted by the enlightened and fun-loving Football Association in the case of the demonstrably evil Mr Shaw whose pie-eating outrage threatened the very fabric of British society.

However, despite self evidently being a scion of Beelzebub, Mr Shaw has received support from former Labour party leader Ed Milliband, who was himself sacked by the British public for eating a bacon sandwich.


Fifa ‘Not A Bunch Of Greedy, Complacent, Cretinous Morons’ Shock

Fifa president Gianni Infantino says he is ‘not at all concerned’ by the threat of hooliganism at next year’s World Cup in Russia.

‘Nah,’ said a Fifa spokesman this morning, ‘he couldn’t give a toss about it.

‘Despite the fact that Russian fans spent the whole of Euro 2016 kicking the crap out of anything with a pulse, we at Fifa don’t currently give a monkey’s. It’ll be fine. Why worry?’

The scrupulously honest and incorruptible Sepp Blatter yesterday

Rumours that Vladimir Putin possesses a video of Gianni Infantino weeing on Donald Trump have been strongly denied by Fifa HQ.

‘What? No. Which prostitutes? That was someone else. I’m a germaphobe! I’ve never even been to that hotel!’ the spokesman told the Mercury. Even though we hadn’t asked him anything.

In unrelated news: Sepp Blatter today, and for no apparent reason, suddenly looks like a model of competence and unblemished integrity.

Channel 4 ‘Now Killing More People Than Isis’ – Government Statistics

Rival broadcasters are racing to develop new, ever more lethal reality TV shows after Sir Bradley Wiggins became the 100th celebrity killed while filming Channel 4’s The Jump.

Sir Bradley, who died after being eaten by a bear during snowcross training, told the Mercury: ‘Obviously, I’m absolutely gutted to have been mauled to death by that polar bear.

‘I had been hoping to make it through to the later stages of the show so I could be fatally injured during a ski-jump, like Olympic gymnast Beth Tweddle. Or, if not actually killed, I aspired to be left a helpless paraplegic like most former contestants.’

Sir Bradley (centre) with other recently eaten celebrities who also got dressed in the dark

The Jump was devised by Channel 4 producers as a means of culling narcissistic celebrities approaching their sell-by date.

Tabloid newspapers have been fully supportive of the channel’s methods and are believed to supply producers of the show with an annual list of has-beens they would like to see killed or crippled or simply abandoned to the wilderness with no hope of return.

‘It makes perfect commercial sense,’ said one red-top editor who did not want to be named, ‘the cost of doorstepping Kerry Katona alone runs into millions each year.

‘Much better for everyone if she were to fall off an alp or get stuck in a glacier or something like that; pecked to death by penguins… I dunno. Just out of our hair.’

The BBC is rumoured to be developing its own Saturday teatime show in which former soap stars attempt to dodge Russian bombs as they race to reach the Isis capital of Raqqa dressed either as Salman Rushdie or Quentin Crisp.

ITV are planning a programme where retired boy band members are turned into charcoal briquettes. Robbie Williams is to be compelled – by an Act of Parliament if necessary – to take part.


Diane Abbott ‘Still Clinging To Life’ – The News In Brief

London, Day Five:  The country continues its silent vigil today as one of the nation’s foremost advocates of democracy, equality and buns hovers in that crepuscular realm between life and death.

Diane Abbott MP, who was struck down seconds before last Wednesday’s House of Commons article 50 vote, continues to defy the predictions of eminent medical authorities by resolutely refusing to croak despite her life-threatening headache and ruinous Hobnob intake.

Nonetheless, experts fear the saucy Marxist poster-girl may yet succumb to her condition, and a piano crate has been procured for the period of lying-in-state. A bloody big piano crate.

Washington DC, Twinned With Moscow:  After first establishing beyond all doubt that Donald Trump knows absolutely nothing about cricket, the US president has signed an executive order making Steve Bannon the new captain of the England team.

Mr Trump didn’t realise what he was signing, and has no understanding of the long term implications of his actions, which is totally in line with current White House practice.

England selectors meet to appoint the new national team captain

Outgoing England captain Alastair Cook said of Mr Bannon’s appointment: ‘Successful England captains of the past have variously been opening batsmen, middle order batsmen, seam bowlers, spinners, all-rounders and wicket keepers. But we’ve never tried a complete c**t before.

‘You never know, though – it might work; that immigration thing seems to be going well, after all.’

Bernie Eccleston To Keep Dalston Race Slaughter ‘To A Manageable Level’

The Dalston motor racing fraternity has reacted with joy and spontaneous burn-ups to news that Formula 1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone has been ousted from the position he has held in the sport for the last 117 years.

‘Yeah,’ said Dalston Grand Prix organiser Mr Stirling Testarossa on hearing the news, ‘this is a potentially life saving development for motor racing in the Dalston area, what, with all the recent carnage and everything.’

The starting grid of last year’s Dalston Grand Prix

Mr Testarossa hopes to recruit Mr Ecclestone to the organising committee of the Dalston Grand Prix and its associated events, the Haggerston Festival of Speed and the Stoke Newington-to-Dakar Rally.

‘We think Bernie would be the ideal man to take Dalston motor sports to the next level,’ said Mr Testarossa.

‘Our main problems have always been a lack of funds and a surfeit of horrifying accidents. We can work around the shortage of cash, but the body count is really getting beyond a joke.

‘So we need someone who can raise huge piles of wonga while simultaneously making our sport so dull as to be unwatchable. And nobody does that better than Bernie.’

Mr Testarossa also hopes that Mr Ecclestone will help Dalston GP expand into exciting new overseas territories such as Papua New Guinea, North Korea and the Yemen.

‘Obviously,’ said Mr Testarossa, ‘the days of running events in countries with an established audience for motor racing and long history in the sport are over.

‘The future lies in tin-pot dictatorships that will pony-up so their tyrannical potentates can bask in the reflected glory of global TV coverage. Only Bernie Eccleston and FIFA have really grasped this important point, and we want in.’

Mr Testarossa – who holds a world record for having accumulated over 4000 points on his driving licence – hopes Mr Ecclestone will agree to join the Dalston GP organisation later this week. In anticipation the office is already being refitted with furniture borrowed from a primary school. (Mr Eccleston is 198 years old, two foot three and believed to be part hobbit.)