Mugwump! – Election News In Brief

Anti-Semitism not playing well in focus groups.

The Lib Dems and the National Union of Students both gave up on anti-Semitism yesterday stating that ‘it is no longer the vote winner we had hoped it would be’.

The Labour party and Ken Livingstone seem determined to give this once popular policy one last shot, however,

Election Word of the Day: Mugwump – the sound a small Japanese child’s spine makes as it is flattened by a blundering, uncoordinated international statesman during a friendly game of touch rugby.

boris plays rugby
Mugwump! From the Latin wumpertis – ‘to smash an innocent child’s face in’

‘Ken Livingstone To Be Next Chief Rabbi’ – Shami Chakrabarti

After an internal Labour party disciplinary panel courageously decided that former London mayor Ken Livingstone was not to be expelled from the party – because his virulent anti-Semitism is not virulent enough, apparently – we at the Mercury thought it would be fun to guess which other vile bigots the Labour party might decide not to kick out.

We couldn’t think of any Hitler apologists quite as shameless as Ken Livingstone, of course, because there aren’t any. But we thought this bunch might just hold on to their party membership cards, despite everything:

We guessed Pol Pot would be given the benefit of the doubt by a party disciplinary committee because  although the killing fields of Cambodia were undoubtedly an error of judgement – his policy of forcing people to labour on collective farms until they died of exhaustion and disease did get a lot of people out into the fresh air. So he wasn’t all bad. Just like Ken.

It seems likely that a Labour party committee (or, indeed, Shami Chakrabarti) might choose to overlook the more sanguinous habits of Jack the Ripper because, although he did display an unnacceptible tendency toward misogyny now and again, his antics did throw a light on the appalling social depravation and poor housing conditions of the East End of London. For which he deserves our thanks. Much as Ken does.

Labour committee
The Labour party disciplinary committee convenes to pass judgement on Mr Livingstone yesterday

And, while it is true that Joseph Stalin may have inadvertantly murdered and starved to death uncounted millions of his own people, any clear-sighted Labour party committee would surely overlook this given Mr Stalin’s sterling job-creation efforts in the gulag-building industry.

So, quite reasonably, it seems that in the eyes of the Labour party, Ken’s tireless efforts in the field of newt-conservancy trump his oft-repeated claim that Hitler actually meant the Jews no harm and wanted to help them all go and live peacefully in Israel. And who could argue with that? Certainly no-one here at the Dalston Mercury.


Labour Leader ‘Not so much shoots himself in the foot as blows his whole bloody leg off. Again’

Embattled Dalston Labour leader Aneurin Hobsbawm – apparently unsatisfied by the number of accusations levelled at him of bullying, anti-Semitism, fiscal incompetence, indecision, unelectability and terrible dress sense – has decided to pin another target to his beleaguered, tweedy behind.

‘Yeah,’ he told the Mercury from his Chancellery bunker, ‘it looked like the Tories were beginning to corner the market in shameless cronyism, so I thought we should have a go at the whole ‘bringing the honours system into disrepute’ thing too.’

Mr Hobsbawm, a principled lifelong opponent of an unelected House of Lords, has decided to elevate his closest – possibly his only – ally to the unelected House of Lords. In a totally principled kind of way, natch.

‘Um, the thing is,’ he cringingly obfuscated from behind a filing cabinet, ‘I had to give her something after she hauled my arse out of the fire over that anti-Semitism business. I was going to get her some flowers and a box of Quality Street, but party funds don’t stretch far these days. Also, she’s a feminist so, y’know… bit dodgy, the flowers and that.’

Labour Councillor
A Labour councillor celebrates his leader’s latest stroke of genius yesterday

The recipient of the peerage, Ms Shamey Chatanoogachoo, recently authored Dalston Labour’s wholly independent and objective report into the party’s alleged anti-Semitism, a report paid for by the Dalston Labour Party which was, like, totally independent and objective and came to exactly the conclusion the Dalston Labour Party had hoped for.

Tories in the borough, meanwhile, have nominated Mr Hobsbawm for a peerage in recognition of his services to the Conservative Party. ‘He really is the mind-numbingly stupid gift that keeps on giving,’ chortled one Tory Councillor over his port and Stilton last night.


Day of Infamy in Dalston Politics ‘Nearly as Bad as Westminster’

Dalston City Hall became a blood-sodden bear pit yesterday, with both main parties fraternally ripping themselves to gory shards as the rest of us looked on and cheered. (Some of us even brought snacks and pop.)

At lunchtime, the frontrunner in the mayoral race, jolly latinophone gut-bucket Harris Bojo announced he was leaving the contest after his close friend, colleague and one time lover, Michael Loaf, unexpectedly announced his own candidacy.

In his speech, the ruggedly handsome, charismatic and not even slightly creepy Mr Loaf said: ‘I have come, reluctantly, to the conclusion that I must heroically knife my dear friend Harris in the back and then openly and positively run away before he can do anything about it.’

‘I believe, furthermore, that I am the right man to lead this borough. I am, as everyone knows, hugely respected by members of my party, even if I am universally loathed by everyone else. So as a duplicitous, cowardly and hugely divisive candidate, I firmly believe I am the man to unite both my party and the country that hates me so much. Thank you.’

Across town at Labour HQ, party leader Cllr Aneurin Hobsbawm appeared at the launch of a report into alleged anti-Semitism in the Dalston party.

The beleaguered  Mr Hobsbawm – who yesterday promoted a stray dog to his cabinet when a lady he met in Tesco’s refused to serve – said at the launch: ‘With the publication of this authoritative and exhaustively researched whitewash, we can finally put to rest the ridiculous notion that anybody in the Dalston Labour party is now, or ever has been, even the tiniest bit anti-Semitic.’

labour front bench
The Dalston Labour front bench yesterday

Then he spoilt the mood a bit by saying that the modern state of Israel was worse than Hitler. ‘It just slipped out,’ he said later.

The stray dog is said to be considering its position in the cabinet. Rebellious Labour councillors are pressing it to run for leader.