America Great Again – Official!

Researchers at prestigious Dalston University’s Department of Political ‘Science’ have reported that following recent developments in the presidential election campaign, the USA is ‘officially great again’.

‘Yeah,’ said research leader Dr Franklin Delano Rooney, ‘America officially stopped being great when President Bill Clinton was forced to tell fibs in order to cover up his raunchy shenanigans with saucy White House strumpet Monica Lewinsky.’

‘Obviously, this was an outrageous abuse of the President’s constitutional right to free speech.’

‘To force a president to lie in order to avoid impeachment for illicit trouser activity was contrary to the intentions of the framers of the constitution. Most of whom were shagging their slaves and bragging about it in locker rooms and on reality TV shows. Almost certainly.’

‘Anyhow, whatever,’ continued Dr Rooney, ‘the gagging of President Clinton was enough to diminish America’s Greatness Quotient by 17.3%, leaving the country mired in the middle rank of formerly great nations, like Portugal, and only just above the status of permanently crap nations. Like France.’

great-america
Job done. Congratulations

 

However, according to Dr Rooney’s research, presidential candidate Donald Trump‘s refreshing candour – demonstrated particularly in his frank and open discussions of ‘uninvited vaginal manipulation’ and  ‘Tic Tac-enabled hot tongue action’ – has ‘re-established his nation’s reputation for freedom of expression. Even if those expressions mark you as an indelibly loathsome and irredeemable loon who is hated by women across the globe’.

Editor’s Note: We were actually going to run a story about the manufacturers of Tic Tac rushing to distance themselves from the Trump campaign. But that actually happened. Honestly. Google it. America, eh?

 

Advertisements

‘These Words Don’t Reflect Who I Am’ – Adolf Hitler Apologises For Obscene Remarks

Former Nazi Führer Adolf Hitler has apologised for obscene comments about Jews and homosexuals he made in a newly released videotape from 1938.

Mr Hitler said that ‘these words don’t reflect who I am… I apologise’.

In the video, Mr Hitler says ‘you can do anything’ to Jews, homosexuals and communists ‘when you’re a star’ and brags about creating Lebensraum in the east.

Top Nazis condemned the comments, and presidential nominee Hillary Clinton called them ‘horrific’.

‘We cannot allow this man to become chancellor. Again’ she posted on Twitter.

Mr Hitler’s 90-second statement on Saturday morning appeared to be his first full apology ever, in a life laced with controversial remarks.

‘I’ve said and done things I regret,’ said Mr Hitler. ‘Anyone who knows me knows these words don’t reflect who I am. I said it, I was wrong, and I apologise.

‘I’ve never said I’m a perfect person nor pretended to be someone I’m not. I pledge to be a better man tomorrow. When I’m done murdering millions.’

However, with his usual instinct for humility he also used the same video to blame Bill Clinton for everything: the Versailles Treaty, the collapse of the Weimar Republic, the cold war, everything.

banter
Mr Hitler engages in some locker room banter yesterday

Even senior figures in the Nazi party have been incensed by the comments.

Herman Göring tweeted that Mr Hitler had ‘really gone too far this time’ while Reich Architect Albert Speer told the Mercury ‘There’s a difference between this and guys downing a few steins together after a Nuremberg rally.’

‘We had some pretty wild times in the Munich beer halls, but there is no justification for that kind of language. I’m appalled.’

However Mr Hitler has said the latest remarks are ‘nothing more than a distraction’ and ‘locker-room banter’.

He once famously said at a campaign rally in January: ‘I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and annihilate an entire race and I wouldn’t lose voters.’

He will be hoping his latest comments follow that trend. And, looking at some of his supporters, who would bet against it?

Breaking News: It has been confirmed this morning that while, contrary to popular belief, Mr Hitler is possessed of a full set of testicles, he does have a very small penis. And no hair.

Trump Campaign – ‘Every Woman On Earth Is A Fat Syphilitic Whore’

The Dalston representative of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump went on a Twitter rampage early this morning, repeating Mr Trump’s accusations that ex-Miss Universe Alicia Machado had made a sex tape and that Hilary Clinton helped her become a US citizen.

Earlier in the week the famously svelte Mr Trump was pilloried when it was revealed he had labeled Ms Machado ‘Miss Piggy’ and publicly shamed her for putting on weight when he owned the beauty contest.

Mr Eugene Oregon, Dalston’s most vocal Trump supporter, took to the Twittersphere this morning and, in an apparent bid to out-Trump Trump, took on the entire female sex in an impressive display of solidarity with his leader, guru and alleged one-time lover.

Among his Twitter targets were not just Hilary Clinton but national treasures Helen Mirren (‘huge’), Mary Berry (‘a corpulent obscenity’), Darcey Bussell (‘a blubber mountain on legs’) and Her Majesty the Queen (‘a lard-ass of such grotesque proportions as to be an offence to the eye and the nose’).

audrey-hepburn
Audrey Hepburn – officially less attractive than Donald Trump. And a bit of a slag, probably

He also accused Dame Maggie Smith of featuring in a series of rectally challenging pornographic activities with both Bill Clinton and Jimmy Savile, and that videos of these encounters are being openly advertised for sale on the White House website. Katy Perry was holding the camera and shouting encouragement, apparently. So was Elvis.

We asked Mr Oregon to justify his bizarre claims, but after he had finished firing his six-shooters into the air and shouting ‘Yee-Haw!’, the best we could get out of him was: ‘Wibble. Hatstand,’ and something that might have been ‘Biscuit barrel, lizard-people’, or similar.

Breaking News: In the light of his recent Twitter activities, Mr Oregon is being widely tipped to take over as Mr Trump’s director of communications, being an obvious upgrade on the last guy.

 

Hot for Hillary! – Dalston Dollies go Cuckoo for Clinton

Sales of trouser suits that sit just a little too snug around the buttocks have hit an all time high in Dalston as local women came out en masse for Hilary Clinton this morning.

Following the Democratic nominee’s acceptance speech last night, local mothers have been booking themselves in for sensible ash-blonde blow-waves and have begun bear-hugging any slender black gentlemen who happen to be passing, provided they’re wearing a presentable, slim-cut suit. Chuka Umunna barely escaped with his life, apparently.

Men in ill-fitting toupees, meanwhile, have been mercilessly cold-shouldered.

‘Hillary is an inspiration to us all,’ said local working mum, Mrs Gaia al Fresco this morning, ‘we all wanted to get behind her. So every one of us was up at dawn, emailing with insufficient regard to national security. It’s the least we can do to show our support.’

Many local women told the Mercury that they are now turning a blind eye to their husbands’ liaisons with workplace trollops, even when these involve cigars and threats of impeachment.

‘In fact, we’ve even started a rent-a-trollop collective,’ said Mrs al Fresco, ‘so that all our husbands have the opportunity to behave disgracefully with a vulnerable intern and we, correspondingly, can share Hillary’s pain. We even supply the cigars and tell the trollops what to do with them. Some of these young girls are terribly naive!’

‘Also,’ she went on, ‘we’ve all been practising pointing at things. Pointing at things and grinning while striding confidently across a stage; these unique skills are what qualifies Hillary to be leader of the free world. That and respect for the constitution, natch.’

Hillary-Clinton-Pointing-
Pointing while still being able to walk – essential presidential skills

We asked whether Mrs al Fresco and her fellow Hillaryphiles were equally inspired by, say, Prime Minister Theresa May, but she just narrowed her eyes and hissed ‘Tory!’, so we took that as a no.

In other US Presidential News: Men with small hands, odd hair or scant regard for the accepted norms of human decency have been banned from a newsagent’s shop in Stoke Newington. Tiny penises are not allowed either, but we’re not sure how they’ll tell. Unless Donald Trump walks in, obviously.