Dalston University is still aflame this morning after student protesters torched the campus refectory yesterday tea time in a row over cultural appropriation, whatever that is.
‘The vicious, evil, colonial genocide-supporting white supremacists who run this college have oppressed us for the last time,’ protest leader Gerta Müff-Fümbler, 24, told the Mercury, ‘how dare they invade our personal safe space with their phallocentric filth? I feel physically violated. What they have done is literally worse than rape! A hundred times worse,’ she added with a justifiably sanctimonious flick of her dreadlocks.
The protest – which has so far cost the lives of sixteen cafeteria workers – began when students were offered hamburgers as an option for their evening meal.
‘I can’t speak for the LGBTQI community, those who are neuro-different or people with disabilities,’ said Ms Müff-Fümbler, ‘but when I saw hamburgers on the menu I felt exactly like a noble African woman pinned down and violated by a company of gin-crazed imperialist infantrymen sometime in the late nineteenth century. In fact, I’m pretty sure I felt even worse than that.’
We almost didn’t dare ask what was wrong with hamburgers, but in the end we did, and after Ms Müff-Fümbler had stopped trying to set light to us she said: ‘Cultural appropriation, you vile heterosexual white male! How dare anyone not resident in a city located on the Jutland Peninsula close to the Federal State of Schleswig-Holstein even consider preparing or eating a hamburger?! Why do we continue to steal from other cultures at the point of a bayonet, to rape their indigenous traditions and generally kick the knackers of their aboriginal culture? Why? I will not legitimise the despoilment of an ancient civilisation just because the alternative is macaroni cheese and I’m lactose intolerant.’
We said we didn’t think the Germans really minded us eating hamburgers, but that just set her off again. Apparently we are now worse than Lionel Shriver and the State of Israel put together. Lionel Shriver and the State of Israel wearing a sombrero, even.