Official: Jeremy Corbyn To Remain Labour Leader ‘For All Time’

Following the great leader’s announcement on BuzzFeed this morning that he will remain in his role ‘even if we lose every single MP at the election and John McDonnell craps in the Queen’s hat’, Labour has announced plans to ensure Mr Corbyn will remain at the helm of the party for eternity.

‘We’re going to have him stuffed,’ one senior back bencher told the Mercury this morning, ‘probably before polling day. In fact definitely before polling day.

‘We’ve all chipped in to have him stuffed, embalmed and put in one of those Maoist / Leninist glass boxes so he can inspire us for all time. From beyond the grave, obviously. Not from his allotment or – God help us – from the dispatch box.

eternal leader
Eternal Leader Jeremy Corbyn (about tea time tomorrow)

‘The living, breathing Jeremy hasn’t been working out too well, votes-wise, but we think a Jeremy preserved in formaldehyde might be a much more progressive proposition. I mean, the late Jeremy Corbyn won’t actively lose us millions of votes every time he’s on TV will he? Will he? Oh Christ, I don’t know any more…’

In his BuzzFeed interview Mr Corbyn also stunned listeners by revealing he is a student of the sophisticated economic philosophies of Adam Smith, Karl Marx and David Ricardo. This despite the fact that his A level results suggest he would struggle to follow an episode of Peppa Pig.


Editorial: Zuckerberg Must Address Facebook ‘Fake News’ Question Without Delay

Over recent days Mark Zuckerberg has attempted – cravenly, in this newspaper’s view – to downplay Facebook’s role in the election of Donald Trump.

However, scrutiny of how fake news is spread on the platform has intensified, with Buzzfeed News reporting that ‘more than dozens’ of Facebook employees have created an unofficial task force dedicated to addressing the issue.

In providing a platform for the dissemination of invented and frequently maliciously news stories Mr Zuckerberg must take a large share of the responsibility not only for the election of Donald Trump, but for the undermining of democracy itself.

For any news-gathering organisation – for surely Facebook must now be considered such – to allow the unrestricted circulation of transparent falsehoods (such as reports of the Pope’s alleged support for Trump) represents a reckless abdication of editorial responsibility.

The Sunday Sport – now 913% more credible than Facebook

Reckless abdication of editorial responsibility is a very, very bad thing, obviously, as is completely making stuff up and putting it on the internet. As a result of Mr Zuckerberg’s fecklessness the human race is, almost certainly, doomed.

In the meantime, however, we can cheer ourselves up with this story about hunting High Court judges with hounds. Or this one about the Queen crashing her hang glider. Or even this: about Jamie Oliver becoming leader of UKIP.

In conclusion: shame on you, Mark Zuckerberg!