Super-Advanced Sex Dolls ‘Now Even Worse Than Wives’

Concerns have been raised today about the threat to human life posed by advances in artificial intelligence after a Dalston man reported his sex doll to the police for mental cruelty.

‘She was lovely at first,’ the man told the Mercury this morning, ‘I went for the deluxe self-lubricating ‘petite’ model with the standard 46″ triple F cup and the fully programmable mood option.’

The man, who wishes to remain anonymous on the grounds that he is a pitiful loser who can’t get a girlfriend, told us that life with his doll was idyllic at first.

‘For example,’ he said, ‘I remember coming home from the Star Trek convention one evening. I was still dressed as a Klingon but Beyoncé said I looked like a sex god in latex and we had a wonderful evening together.’

‘It was only about a week later when she told me to put the bins out that I started to become concerned.’

The victim believes he had accidentally turned on Beyoncé’s ‘moody’ function using her smart phone app before losing the phone on a bus.

‘It was awful,’ he said, ‘she belittled me at every opportunity: criticised my lack of dynamism in the workplace; made fun of my manhood; questioned my sexual orientation. It was just like being back home with my mother.

‘I could’ve married a lawyer’ – an unrepentant Beyonce this morning

‘I daren’t even go back to the flat now. I’m sleeping in a cupboard at the call centre until her batteries go flat.’

The man’s plight was made even worse on Friday when Beyoncé’s hard drive was infected by the WannaCry ransomware virus. Her legs have been permanently locked down unless he pays £230 in bitcoins to some Ukrainian hackers.


New European Doping Rules To Improve Quality Of Life For Repeat Offenders But Not Paula Radcliffe

New proposals from European Athletics that world records set before 2005 should be reset due to doping have been greeted enthusiastically by one Dalston man today.

‘Yeah,’ said Jeff Calhoun this morning, ‘it would be a big relief to me and several of my family members if our records from before 2005 – or even last Tuesday come to think of it – could be expunged. Pronto.’

Mr Calhoun, who holds the unofficial world sprint record for the distance between Stoke Newington police station and his gran’s house in Haggerston, agrees that drugs have been a blight on his line of work and have distorted performance records for many years.

new record
Mr Calhoun adds to his impressive record earlier this week. Although they never found the DVD players so they’ve got nothing on him, apparently

‘Oh, definitely,’ he told the Mercury, ‘I was ripped to the tits for years, mate. Completely out of my gourd throughout the best years of my career.

‘I would never have held half them records if it wasn’t for all the toot, no way. But you get a beak full of the old Colombian marching powder and off you go; up the nearest drain pipe, next stop Bellmarsh. Records galore. It’s got to stop.’

Mr Calhoun claims to sympathise with Britain’s Paula Radcliffe, who faces losing her 2003 marathon world record under the new proposals, but says if it helps him avoid another five stretch in Brixton he’s willing to live with her pain.


Join The Mercury’s Non-Denominational, Seasonally Non-Specific, Generationally Inclusive, Lactose-Free, Non-Competitive Chocolate-Based Hunt-Themed Event! (No Dogs, No Irish)

Always delighted to balance the demands of fundamentalist secularism, the Anglican Church, Ukip, LGBT+ groups, single mothers, childless couples, agnostic farm animals, the Jewish Chronicle, his Holiness the Pope, and the European Union, the Dalston Mercury has cancelled its annual Easter Egg hunt on London Fields and has replaced it with something much less fascistic and socially divisive.

As a response to demands from the EU the British-made chocolate constituent of our eggs has been renamed ‘recidivist vege-sludge’ by the Belgians but, due to record levels of obesity among our young people, has been replaced anyway by a baked lentil substitute.

Last year’s event. What WERE we thinking? Those children are probably all dead now. Or they’ve joined Isis

The formerly traditional egg-shape (or ‘prolate spheroid’ as our lawyers call it) is considered offensive by vegans and the Vatican, who would prefer a chocolate Judas Iscariot hanging from a tree (the Vatican, not the vegans). Transgender women have threatened to boycott the event if it involves any mention of eggs or fallopian tubing. Or that Jenni Murray from Woman’s Hour.

The entire Easter business has been declared ‘offensive, almost to Ken Livingston levels’ by the chief Rabbi, so this year’s hunt will take place during Yom Kippur or possibly Ramadan.

Free entry! Fun for all the family! (No children under 18 due to Health & Safety risk of falling over on grass. May contain nuts).


United Airlines Inspires Gratuitous Profit-Related Beatings – Shares At New High

United Airlines robust approach to customer relations has been praised by Dalston businesses today amid growing concerns that people are increasingly insistent on being treated decently and getting what they paid for.

‘We in the Dalston Chamber of Commerce fully endorse and support United Airlines’ right to hoik any bugger they choose off a plane, especially if they don’t like the look of ’em,’ said a spokesman for several local restaurateurs this morning.

‘Restaurants, like airlines, frequently find themselves overbooked through no fault of their own,’ said the spokesman, ‘especially on Valentine’s Day and Mothering Sunday and such.’

‘So we are determined to follow United’s novel yet compassionate approach to the problem. Which is to say we send in four or five uniformed thugs to identify anyone not eating fast enough (or only ordering the cheaper items on the menu) and then punch them in the face and hurl the cheap bastards onto the pavement. I can see a day when this becomes established business practice. And quite right too.’

Mr and Mrs Nigel Henderson of Stoke Newington attempt to order one dessert to share between two

Local NHS chiefs are also interested in the United Airlines patented customer fast-track techniques. A spokesman for Dalston Royal Infirmary’s A&E department told the Mercury: ‘Yeah, we have our share of malingerers and hypochondriacs.

‘Normally we just ignore them until they die or fall into a comatose state, at which point we sneak them out the back and leave them in front of a different hospital.

‘But it would be kinder, really, if we could just beat the crap out of them and drag them screaming through the waiting room, ignoring their claims of legitimate illness, before dumping them in the road.

‘United are definitely on to something. Hospitals are no place for sick people after all, just as airliners are wasted on people who want to travel to somewhere else. I hate the public. Selfish bastards.’


Dalston On Full Alert After Trump’s Syria U-Turn – Special Offers On Cat Food And Grapefruit Segments

Shopkeepers along the Kingsland Road are boarding-up their storefronts this morning and market stallholders cower beneath big pieces of cardboard following Donald Trump’s spectacular change of mind over US policy on Syria.

‘I don’t know what to think,’ said one panicked pound shop owner, ‘but we’re preparing for the worst all the same.’ He then shot a pigeon believing it to be a cruise missile.

During last year’s presidential election campaign, Mr Trump – in a little publicised paragraph from his speech vowing never to become militarily involved in the Syrian crisis – guaranteed that he would never ‘strafe, bomb, nuke, immolate or in any way totally f*ck-up, bigly or otherwise’ any British high street retailer.

Since dropping several tons of lethal ordinance on the Syrian regime last night, however, President Trump’s policy toward blowing up Dalston shopkeepers has been thrown into doubt.

The skies above Chicken Cottage tomorrow. Or Peacock’s. Probably Peacock’s…

‘Now he’s got a taste for it, I reckon we’re doomed,’ said an under-manager at Matalan, hiding espadrilles in a blast-resistant cupboard, ‘and we’ve just got our spring stock in, too. I know exactly how the Syrian airforce must be feeling this morning. Gutted, that’s how.’

The US State Department rushed to reassure British shopkeepers this morning saying in a statement: ‘President Trump gives a categorical assurance that he will not perform any further wildly unpredictable hand-brake turns on foreign policy. Unless he feels like it. Because, frankly, he’s going off that whole ‘wall’ thing a bit. And the Putin bromance is cooling off, big time. So watch this space, yeah? KA-BOOM! (Only kidding!)’


War With Spain! Dalston Stikes First Blow In Gibraltar Conflict

Even before the a Royal Navy task force has had chance to set sail for the Mediterranean, Dalstonians have struck a first blow against the Spanish crown in what promises to be a pitiless battle for the land and very soul of Gibraltar

‘Yeah,’ said Dalston’s campaign leader ‘Lieutenant Commander’ Wayne Calhoun this morning, ‘we are very fortunate here in Dalston in that: a) we do not share a land border with Spain like them poor oppressed bastards in Gibraltar, and b) there’s loads of Spaniards over here – working in bars and that – what we can retaliate against without actually leaving the borough or getting shot at or nothing.

‘Loads of bloody Brazilians, too, who are just as culpable for the plight of Gibraltar given them and the Spanish speak the same language and do bull fighting.’

Lieutenant Commander Calhoun’s troops saw their first offensive action on Saturday when they set up a stall at Dalston’s popular Street Eats food market and cooked paella following a recipe devised by Jamie Oliver.

Several Spanish nationals and hundreds of other food lovers suffered ‘severe retching strains to the throat and abdomen’ as a result, and a passing Michelin Guide judge was pronounced dead at the scene. ‘Unfortunately he was French,’ said Lieutenant Commander Calhoun, ‘but they’re just as bad.’

Drunk tarts – Britain’s first line of defence against the Spanish conquistador

Other actions against Spanish colonialism are planned by Lieutenant Commander Calhoun’s crack troops. They include: inexpertly drinking wine out of those pointy bottles and letting it go all over the place on purpose and; ordering a plate of tapas and then, when the waiter brings it, shouting ‘Oi! Manuel! Where’s the rest?’ in a manner calculated to upset sensitive Latin types.

‘We’re also refusing to watch any of Michael Portillo’s railway programmes,’ said Lieutenant Commander Calhoun, ‘and are continuing our long-term programme aimed at weakening the Spanish population through sexually transmitted diseases which we deliver, by stealth, through the medium of British Club 18-30 holidaymakers in Magaluf.’


Red Nose Day In Dalston – Nudity, Bloodletting And Aggravated Larceny For All The Family!

As local schools and businesses celebrate Red Nose Day and the BBC prepares for its annual Comic Relief charity marathon, residents of Dalston’s Clement Attlee Estate are warming up for their own traditional fundraiser tonight.

‘Yeah,’ said Dalston’s Red Nose supremo Vince ‘Biggles’ Calhoun this morning, ‘people in this estate would do anything to help the kiddies. Even foreign ones that live in mud huts and that. We’re not picky.’

Planned events include a sponsored pole dancing marathon in the snug of the White Horse public house, a Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown video marathon in the bar of the White Horse public house and a winner-stays-on bare knuckle boxing marathon in the car park of the White Horse public house (although this last event is not exclusive to Red Nose Day and takes place nightly at various locations around the Clement Attlee estate).

ed balls stripper
A participant in the Dalston pole dancing marathon warms up for the event. Cough up or the boxers come off

Other fundraising innovations include a bring and buy sale at which recent arrivals to the Dalston area will be invited to buy back their own mobile phones and then keep schtum about it or else.

Last year’s Clement Attlee Estate Red Nose appeal raised ‘shed loads’ of cash, every penny of which went to help disadvantaged children – most of them resident in the Clement Attlee Estate – who would otherwise not have been able to afford such essentials as Playstation consoles, bail money and fortnights in Magaluf.


Social Media ‘Wiping Out Entire Generation Of Half-Wits’ – University Report

Prestigious Dalston University (previously the East London College of Remedial Learning and Basket Weaving) has launched a new scheme aimed at teaching students how to eat food, following record numbers of deaths on campus caused by starvation.

The scheme, which is aimed specifically at millennials among the student body, begins with a foundation course on ‘inserting food into the mouth’ before moving on to ‘basic chewing techniques’ and a more advanced ‘swallowing stuff’ module.

The advent of Instagram has been blamed by members of the faculty for the unusually high numbers of emaciated students dropping dead at the university.

‘They spend so long taking pictures of their damn lunch,’ explained one lecturer, ‘that they’ve lost the knack of actually eating it.’

‘We’re seeing an entire generation completely proficient at ordering four-day-smoked pulled pork on a gluten-free brioche bun served with a heritage tomato and balsamic salad, but who don’t have a clue what to do with it after taking a picture to share with their followers.

Dalston University refectory (photo courtesy of the late Steve Mullet)

‘By the time they’ve got the lighting right and have organised their witless friends to make ‘V’ signs in the background, they’ve forgotten what they came in for.

‘Last week, one girl actually went into a diabetic coma and died face down in her organic guinea fowl and quinoa tabouleh. If she’d just inhaled while she was down there she might have lived but, tragically, she didn’t even survive long enough to post the picture of her starter on Pinterest.’

According to phone service providers, if current trends continue, photographs of uneaten meals threaten to outnumber naked selfies and close-ups of genitalia posted by millennial customers. This is a development that further alarms university authorities.

‘God help us if the little sods lose interest in sex too,’ said one staff member, ‘if it wasn’t for fellatio half these bloody kids wouldn’t be eating anything at all.’

In addition to the university’s core ‘Eat Food and Survive’ program, an introductory course in ‘fork recognition’ is offered to students under the age of 35. Also, there’s ‘napkin-ology’ for anyone from the north.


Kylie Minogue ‘Not Involved’ In Dalston Transvestite Car Scam

Only hours after a trademark battle between Kylie Minogue and Kylie Jenner came to an end, another equally catty and nauseating nomenclature-centred conflict has erupted, this time in Dalston.

The disputed name at the centre of the case is ‘Keith’, which is claimed as an exclusive international copyright by both Mr Keith Trotter of Hair by Keith International, and Mr Keith Calhoun of Keith’s Panel Beating and Clocking Services Ltd, both of the Clement Attlee Estate, Dalston.

Mr Calhoun, like Ms Jenner, found fame as a reality TV star thanks to Channel 5’s Hard Men: Broadmoors’s Serial Escapees.

He told the Mercury: ‘I definitely registered the brand ‘Keith’ – the name by which I am universally known and feared – with the Dalston Office of Trademarks and Patents. It is a fundamental part of my identity and its unauthorised association with a hairdressing enterprise is, quite frankly, making me look a right nonce.’

Mr Trotter, however, claims that his international reputation as a singing star entitles him to exclusive ownership of the Keith brand.

‘I had audiences eating out of my hand, darling,’ he told the Mercury over a complimentary scalp massage, ‘as The Fabulous Keith I often performed as high as third on the bill at Molly Moggs International Cabaret of Exotica on Charing Cross Road.

‘My Wednesday lunchtime Streisand Spectacular became the stuff of legend. A pie and a pint and my calypso version of Evergreen for a fiver… marvelous times, darling. Marvelous.’

The Fabulous Keith performs his much requested ‘Send in the Clowns’ (dubstep mix)

However, Mr Calhoun counters Mr Trotter’s claim by asserting that, in addition to illegal car repair services, he plans to attach the Keith brand to ‘perfumes and toiletries, music and sound recordings, live entertainment, jewellery, dolls and toys, and printed matter such as magazines and books’.

‘Plus,’ said Mr Calhoun, ‘insurance jobs, people trafficking, a bespoke hit-man service, crystal meth distribution and a bit of high class prostitution, if I can talk my Aunty Glenda back into it.’

The case continues.


Bernie Eccleston To Keep Dalston Race Slaughter ‘To A Manageable Level’

The Dalston motor racing fraternity has reacted with joy and spontaneous burn-ups to news that Formula 1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone has been ousted from the position he has held in the sport for the last 117 years.

‘Yeah,’ said Dalston Grand Prix organiser Mr Stirling Testarossa on hearing the news, ‘this is a potentially life saving development for motor racing in the Dalston area, what, with all the recent carnage and everything.’

The starting grid of last year’s Dalston Grand Prix

Mr Testarossa hopes to recruit Mr Ecclestone to the organising committee of the Dalston Grand Prix and its associated events, the Haggerston Festival of Speed and the Stoke Newington-to-Dakar Rally.

‘We think Bernie would be the ideal man to take Dalston motor sports to the next level,’ said Mr Testarossa.

‘Our main problems have always been a lack of funds and a surfeit of horrifying accidents. We can work around the shortage of cash, but the body count is really getting beyond a joke.

‘So we need someone who can raise huge piles of wonga while simultaneously making our sport so dull as to be unwatchable. And nobody does that better than Bernie.’

Mr Testarossa also hopes that Mr Ecclestone will help Dalston GP expand into exciting new overseas territories such as Papua New Guinea, North Korea and the Yemen.

‘Obviously,’ said Mr Testarossa, ‘the days of running events in countries with an established audience for motor racing and long history in the sport are over.

‘The future lies in tin-pot dictatorships that will pony-up so their tyrannical potentates can bask in the reflected glory of global TV coverage. Only Bernie Eccleston and FIFA have really grasped this important point, and we want in.’

Mr Testarossa – who holds a world record for having accumulated over 4000 points on his driving licence – hopes Mr Ecclestone will agree to join the Dalston GP organisation later this week. In anticipation the office is already being refitted with furniture borrowed from a primary school. (Mr Eccleston is 198 years old, two foot three and believed to be part hobbit.)