Labour Party ‘Giving Car-Crashes A Bad Name’

The British Stock Car Union (BSCU) has announced it is to sue the Labour party for bringing car-crashes into disrepute.

‘It’s outrageous what’s happening,’ said BSCU spokesman Jeff ‘Sparky’ Plugg this morning, ‘for over 50 years we have been providing wholesome family entertainment by crashing cars into one another.

‘Through our efforts people all over the country have come to associate the sickening crunch of metal, the cries of the dying and the distant wail of sirens with a good day out.’

Since the start of the general election campaign, however, the term ‘horrifying car-crash, many dead’ has become loaded with negative connotations according to Mr Plugg.

‘Bloody Diane Abbott!’ he said. ‘It’s mainly down to her that the word ‘interview’ is now invariably prefixed with the phrase ‘car-crash’. She’s taken something that was good and pure and turned it into a byword for political ineptitude.

diane abbott crash
Diane Abbott this morning

‘And if it’s not her promising to provide a million new police officers at the cost of 12 pence it’s Jeremy-bloody-Corbyn pledging to spend billions on new nuclear weapons but maintaining his pacifist position by sending a letter to the Russians promising never, ever to use them.

‘And every time Emily Thornberry opens her trap the public hears the screech of brakes and the awful rending of tortured steel. But not in a good way. We want our brand back!’

Mr Plugg also has issues with Keir Starmer’s hair, but that seemed a bit beside the point to us.

Labour To Help Fat Kids Lose Weight By Giving Them Free Food

As part of the Labour party’s selfless quest to amuse the nation and secure Tory hegemony for ever, shadow foreign secretary Emily Thornberry has pledged to make poor, fat children thin by giving them free school meals and teaching them to grow carrots.

Nutritionists have leapt to flag the major a flaw in Labour’s position, namely that Ms Thorberry was herself a recipient of free school meals and yet remains a bit of a porker.

We asked whether the absence of a carrot-centric market-gardening element to Ms Thornberry’s education might explain the bingo wings but nutritionists we spoke to said it was more likely down to pies and lager.

Fresh carrots
Carrots: Labour’s solution to the Syrian crisis. Probably. And Brexit.

In Other News: The English people – every one of them – came together this morning to offer thanks to the English Defence League for doing such a bang-up job of defending us, our values and everything we stand for through their traditional method of showing the world that England still has its fair share of knuckle-dragging racist morons.

After nobly encouraging his followers to gang-up on a single woman at a rally in Birmingham on Saturday, EDL leader Ian Crossland further burnished his reputation as the moral leader of the English people with the following passage of soaring Churchillian rhetoric: ‘She’s lucky she got any teeth left’.

This memorable phrase – complete with its eye-catching disregard for grammar and punctuation – is expected to enter the lexicon of inspiring political oratory immediately and is likely to appear on the new £10 note when it is issued later this year.


British Pub Quizzes Distance Themselves From Emily Thornberry MP

Organisers of Dalston’s top pub quiz have reacted with fury after the shadow foreign secretary accused a TV interviewer of ‘sexism’ after he asked her to name the French foreign minister.

Emily Thornberry criticised Sky News presenter Dermot Murnaghan for ‘pub-quizzing’ her as they discussed Brexit talks. She used the phrases ‘pub-quiz’ and ‘pub-quizzing’ no fewer than 600 times during the course of the seven-minute car crash interview yesterday leaving legitimate pub quiz organisers fuming.

Dermot Murnaghan in the Sky News Studio
Sexist pig. Just look at him, being all sexist by asking questions and everything – Dermot Murnaghan yesterday. Probably wearing sexist shoes or something

‘We absolutely abhor any suggestion that our pub quiz is in any way endorsed by Emily Thornberry,’ said proprietor of the Lambent Whelk public house Mr Gideon Porter-Seabass, ‘we run an efficient, effective, wholly competent weekly pub quiz that has never been tainted by accusations of anti-Semitism, savage in-fighting, electoral ineptitude or making up stories about having to sit on the floor of trains.’

‘Any connection between this or any other pub quiz and the Labour party exists only in the diseased imagination of Ms Thornberry and we insist that she desists immediately in planting this appalling idea in people’s minds.’

Mr Porter-Seabass did concede, however, that the Lambent Whelk’s gentlemen’s toilets are a bit like the Labour party in that they haven’t worked properly since Jeremy Corbyn became leader.