Belgium And Netherlands Sign Rational Treaty – EU Declares War. As Does Ukip

The decision by Belgium and the Netherlands to quietly agree to a land-swap that will simplify the border between the two countries has been attacked by the EU as ‘against everything we stand for’.

‘Where the hell would we be,’ said an EU spokesman this morning, ‘if nation states went around making sensible agreements between themselves without employing the immense, nurturing bureaucratic machinery of the all-powerful European Commission. And the Council of Ministers. And the parliament. And the various courts. And all the other bits I’ve forgotten about but which are absolutely vital to the survival of the European people.

‘I mean, we have about a zillion civil servants sitting about who are absolutely dying to ratify a proper treaty. We’ve got half of them measuring the circumference of frozen peas at the moment; the rest are counting sardines, for crying out loud.

‘You can’t just go around swapping bits of land willy-nilly. Not without years of negotiation and court cases and appeals and probably a couple of referendums. Which we’d ignore, naturally, but still… due process, and that.’

Sardines: correctly audited by the EU for your peace of mind

Ukip have also expressed outrage at the deal. They’re not sure why yet, but ‘there’s bound to be something. Immigrants, probably. Or lack of democratic accountability. Yeah, that’ll do: where’s the democratic accountability eh? Bloody foreigners.’

It is reported that the deal between to two countries was negotiated ‘in about ten minutes’ and at the cost of ‘two cups of tea and a couple of Ordnance Survey maps’.



‘Tally-Ho’ Threat To Independence Of The Judiciary

50 Tory MPs – in a move supported by the Countryside Alliance and the Daily Mail – have made representations to the Prime Minister in a bid to end the ban on hunting.

‘This prejudicial and iniquitous ban has led to an erosion of the British way of life and an insupportable increase in the number of red-coated vermin ruining the livelihoods of millions,’ said one pro-hunting campaigner yesterday.

The Prime Minister is said to be seriously considering the introduction of legislation in the next Queen’s speech that would allow the resumption of hunting High Court judges with hounds. Also hanging High Court judges from lampposts, and poking High Court judges with sticks.

A hunt (not pictured: the mortal remains of Master of the Rolls Sir Terence Etherton)

The move would be ‘very popular indeed in the shires’ according to a spokesman for Number 10, ‘and pretty popular in Downing Street too, at the moment.’

Foxes are said to be all in favour. But they vote UKIP so, y’know…


Falling Pound Silences Mercury

The falling value of sterling is forcing this great British news-gathering institution into a period of enforced silence beginning today.

Newsagents in the Hackney area are expected to fly their flags at half mast, or at least drape packets of Monster Munch in black crepe, which is the traditional symbol of mourning among newsagents.

In an exclusive interview this morning, Mercury editor Norton Folgate told himself: ‘The pound’s collapse has been devastating for this newspaper.’

‘Like Rupert Murdoch we make our ink by grinding-up orphans flown in from the Calais ‘Jungle’. Also, our distribution network is based entirely on exploiting the labour of Romanian gypsies, just like any other forward-looking small business in the UK.’

Many Mercury employees enjoy lucrative secondary careers

‘The fall in sterling means, tragically, that orphan pulp has become prohibitively expensive and that, even in Romania, the Roma can actually earn more than the zero pounds we pay them here.’

‘This is just one more example of how the dead hand of a monolithic European Union is crushing the aspirations of hard-working businesses in the UK. Or it might be the fault of all those dreadful racists who voted for Brexit, I dunno. Either way, it’s not my bloody fault.’

The Mercury, therefore, is forced to take a sabbatical until Monday, when a new load of orphans is due in from Lesbos on a Sports Direct lorry.

Belgians In Lethal Bid To Become Interesting

After single-handedly scuppering a huge trade deal between Canada and the EU, the Belgian region of Wallonia – newly mad with power – has set its sights on expanding its global profile by buggering other things up.

‘Mais, oui,’ said Wallonia’s Dalston ambassador, His Excellency M. Tin Tin Poirot, ‘it’s about time Belgium threw off its hard-won reputation for being the most boring nation on earth and got on with the important business of shafting absolutely everyone for no good reason at all.’

Belgium – now interesting

Wallonia – a totally fictional place which previously existed only fleetingly in a scene from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – has lined up several international initiatives aimed at infuriating other countries and, possibly, provoking global war.

These initiatives include blocking-up the Suez Canal with cheese, painting giant Belgian cows on the Taj Mahal and invading Russia.

Asked why a tiny, insignificant region of a risibly pointless country should wish to cause havoc on the international stage, M. Poirot shrugged and told the Mercury ‘Because we can. And because the EU lets us. C’est la démocratie, n’est-ce pas?’

Then he went off to tell Hezbollah that Israel said they were all gay.


EU Repeal Bill To Reintroduce Traditional British Laws And ‘Reclaim Calais From The French, With Any Luck’

Dalston mayor Selina Marr is to introduce a ‘Great Repeal Bill’ in the next council session that will overturn the act that took Dalston into the EU.

It will remove the European Communities Act 1972 from the statute book and end the supremacy of EU law in Dalston.

Representatives of local parties that campaigned for Brexit have given a cautious welcome to the news but urge Mrs Marr to ‘at the earliest opportunity replace all those evil kraut, frog, wop and dago laws with some proper British ones like you said you would, you slag.’

The Independence For the UK (IFUK) party are determined, in particular, to see the repeal of laws relating to ‘the angle of curvature in bananas, cucumbers and any other bendy fruit and / or vegetables’ to be replaced by ‘laws reintroducing mandatory archery practice on Sundays’.

They also want to see witch trials ‘with ducking stools and everything’ replacing any judgement of the European Court of Justice, and new laws enabling the construction of a chain of castles ‘for the purposes of subjugating the Welsh and repressing their language and culture in the traditional pre-EU English manner.’

Post-Brexit Britain (from an original crayon drawing by Jean-Claude Juncker)

IFUK spokesperson Mrs Queenie Calhoun told the Mercury: ‘We have been given a great opportunity to once again become a sovereign and independent country, like we was under the reign of Edward I, and we must seize this moment to become the modern, dynamic, forward-looking feudal kingdom the British serfs demand.’

We asked Mrs Calhoun whether she favoured reintroducing suzerainty over the Scots and banishing the Jews from the kingdom in a new Edict of Expulsion, but she said: ‘We will say what we’ve achieved and how we’ve achieved it, but to give a running commentary on every last sentence and paragraph would be ridiculous.’

Then she rode off on her horse shouting something about reclaiming the Holy Land for Christendom.


‘Apple Owe Us Big-Time’ – Everyone on Earth

Dalston Council is claiming ‘loads of wonga, possibly up to £13 billion’ in back taxes from computer giant Apple after a three-year EU investigation concluded that the US firm’s Irish tax benefits are illegal.

‘The Irish have been playing fast-and-loose with EU tax regulation for years and they get rewarded with this massive payout,’ said the deputy leader of Dalston Council Consuela Ahmadinejad, ‘whereas we’ve kept our noses clean and get diddly-bloody-squat. It’s not on, is it?’

Cllr Ahmadinejad re-equipped Dalston council’s computer hardware inventory with Apple equipment three years ago after an ill-advised trip to a shiny shop in Regent Street staffed by smiling zombies in blue t-shirts.

Consequently, she is planning to claim back ‘absolutely shed loads’ for Apple laptop batteries that ‘blow-up, catch fire or melt during a vital presentation having spontaneously achieved the surface temperature of the sun’, Apple power cables that ‘are absolutely no better than any other damn computer power cables but cost twenty-three times more’, and songs downloaded legally from iTunes which then ‘won’t play on any device other than the one used to download it and, furthermore, flash up sanctimonious copyright infringement warnings despite the fact that they’ve bloody well been paid for’.

Pay up, bastards.

‘All that,’ snarled Ms Ahmadinejad, ‘and having to put up with the beatification of that bald tosser ‘Jony’ Ive, has got to be worth 13 billion quid of anyone’s money, init?’

We at the Mercury heartily concur, writing this, as we are, on a borrowed fifty quid Acer laptop following one of Apple’s patented battery meltdowns. And if Jony Ive is such a design genius, why doesn’t he design himself some bloody hair, eh? Tell us that. Eh?


EU and Donald Trump Conspire to Wreck Perfectly Viable Dalston Industries

Trade negotiations between Sigmar Gabriel, the German economy minister, and Dalston have effectively failed, according to council sources. The American’s don’t sound that keen either.

The talks began 30 seconds after the Brexit vote came in with the aim of reducing or removing a wide range of barriers to transatlantic trade and investment – but they have proved controversial in both Europe and America.

‘We just have to accept the painful truth,’ said Dalston’s chief trade negotiator, Cllr Malcolm Gland, ‘the rest of the world just don’t want what we’re selling no more.’

Dalston’s major commercial exports to the international market have traditionally been in the services sector, with unicycle repair services and craft beer brewery consultancies leading the charge.

‘While Dalston remains a global power in unicycle-related commerce, the international market for these services remains vanishingly small,’ Cllr Gland told the Mercury, ‘the rest of the world having cottoned on to the fact that riding a unicycle makes you look a bit of a tit.’

Dalston’s major global export – tits. We mean unicycles

‘We were on stronger ground with craft beers,’ he continued mournfully, ‘until everybody on earth worked out that you could just throw a handful of twigs and a few leaves into a can of John Smiths to get roughly the same effect, taste-wise.’

‘The bottles look nice though. And some of those wacky names are really funny. Well worth the extra three quid in my view,’ he said in a sticking-up-for-Dalston-industry kinda way.

Councillor Gland lays the blame for the talks’ collapse at the feet of Donald Trump, partly because the presidential candidate opposes increased international economic integration ‘especially when it involves hipsters’ and partly because, y’know, he is Donald Trump, so why not?

(Speaking totally off the record, Councillor Gland also put Mr Trump’s hostility to unicycle-related commerce down to his inability to ride one ‘because his exceptionally small genitalia provide insufficient ballast’ and he keeps falling off.)