The decision by Belgium and the Netherlands to quietly agree to a land-swap that will simplify the border between the two countries has been attacked by the EU as ‘against everything we stand for’.
‘Where the hell would we be,’ said an EU spokesman this morning, ‘if nation states went around making sensible agreements between themselves without employing the immense, nurturing bureaucratic machinery of the all-powerful European Commission. And the Council of Ministers. And the parliament. And the various courts. And all the other bits I’ve forgotten about but which are absolutely vital to the survival of the European people.
‘I mean, we have about a zillion civil servants sitting about who are absolutely dying to ratify a proper treaty. We’ve got half of them measuring the circumference of frozen peas at the moment; the rest are counting sardines, for crying out loud.
‘You can’t just go around swapping bits of land willy-nilly. Not without years of negotiation and court cases and appeals and probably a couple of referendums. Which we’d ignore, naturally, but still… due process, and that.’
Ukip have also expressed outrage at the deal. They’re not sure why yet, but ‘there’s bound to be something. Immigrants, probably. Or lack of democratic accountability. Yeah, that’ll do: where’s the democratic accountability eh? Bloody foreigners.’
It is reported that the deal between to two countries was negotiated ‘in about ten minutes’ and at the cost of ‘two cups of tea and a couple of Ordnance Survey maps’.