Tories Slash Free School Meals – Islington Aflame

News that childless couples and unmarried young people will no longer have to subsidise school lunches for junior members of the aristocracy has outraged middle class voters in Jeremy Corbyn’s own constituency.

‘This is the greatest injustice ever perpetrated on the human race,’ said one Islington mother too incoherent with rage to pronounce her name, ‘how dare these evil Tories take the food from out of the mouths of my little Milo and Antigone?’

‘What this manifestly wicked policy is going to cost me and my architect husband means our children will go without this year: without organic corn-fed roast chicken on a Sunday – we may be reduced to buying ordinary pikey chickens like people who work in the public sector – and maybe even without fast-track lift passes when we Christmas at Gstaad. We might even have to downgrade to Grindelwald for heaven’s sake! After hearing the news I even found myself searching the web for generic supermarket quinoa! Nobody should be brought so low! It’s inhuman!’

Gstaad
Gstaad – yet another victim of savage Tory cuts

We pointed out that, under Conservative proposals, actual poor children would still get free school meals, but that just got her going again:

‘We are poor, you tit!’ she bellowed through the window of her Range Rover, ‘we just don’t fritter our money away on Tennent’s Extra and lottery tickets like some of the lard-arsed Ukip-volting proles around here. I’ve been wearing the same Balenciaga two piece for nearly a year now! No one knows my pain! No one!’

We were going to mention that, in addition to the new school meals policy, poor young people will no longer be required to pay the heating bills of rich old people, but courage deserted us and she just drove off to her Pilates class.

 

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Labour To Help Fat Kids Lose Weight By Giving Them Free Food

As part of the Labour party’s selfless quest to amuse the nation and secure Tory hegemony for ever, shadow foreign secretary Emily Thornberry has pledged to make poor, fat children thin by giving them free school meals and teaching them to grow carrots.

Nutritionists have leapt to flag the major a flaw in Labour’s position, namely that Ms Thorberry was herself a recipient of free school meals and yet remains a bit of a porker.

We asked whether the absence of a carrot-centric market-gardening element to Ms Thornberry’s education might explain the bingo wings but nutritionists we spoke to said it was more likely down to pies and lager.

Fresh carrots
Carrots: Labour’s solution to the Syrian crisis. Probably. And Brexit.

In Other News: The English people – every one of them – came together this morning to offer thanks to the English Defence League for doing such a bang-up job of defending us, our values and everything we stand for through their traditional method of showing the world that England still has its fair share of knuckle-dragging racist morons.

After nobly encouraging his followers to gang-up on a single woman at a rally in Birmingham on Saturday, EDL leader Ian Crossland further burnished his reputation as the moral leader of the English people with the following passage of soaring Churchillian rhetoric: ‘She’s lucky she got any teeth left’.

This memorable phrase – complete with its eye-catching disregard for grammar and punctuation – is expected to enter the lexicon of inspiring political oratory immediately and is likely to appear on the new £10 note when it is issued later this year.