Brace Yourselves: Barry. Manilow. IS. GAY! Yes! THAT Barry Manilow!

Fans of Barry Manilow were shocked yesterday when the singing legend came out as gay, revealing he has been in a relationship with a man since 1978.

‘Oh my God! Barry Manilow was in the closet?’ shrieked one Dalston fan too shocked to remember his name, ‘Really? I had no idea!

‘Let me get this straight: he was pretending not to be gay all that time? What, with the tight white trousers and the feather boas and everything? This was Barry¬†not being gay? Wow. Four bars of Copacabana told me everything I needed to know, darling.’

copacabana
Never! I simply will not believe it!

According to experts, the only thing more screamingly camp than Barry Manilow is the Wham! video for Club Tropicana.

‘Next you’ll be telling me George Michael spent years in the closet too,’ said a spokesman for Mr Manilow this morning, ‘What? You’re kidding me! No way!’

Ken Livingstone welcomed Mr Manilow’s induction into a minority group today, assuring the singer that Adolf Hitler was absolutely pro-gay and only wanted to help homosexuals leave Germany in the 1930s because the weather is nicer in Israel, or something.

 

Dalston Mercury Breaks World Record for not Mentioning Keith Vaz

The Dalston Mercury is to be awarded the prestigious Press Complaints Commission Gold Medal for Journalistic Restraint and Forbearance in the Face of the Almost Overwhelming Temptation to Make Smutty Jokes at the Expense of a Senior Politician Caught with his Trousers Round his Ankles.

This award, which has never been presented to any British newspaper ever – not even The Guardian – will be handed to the Mercury’s editor this week at a glittering ceremony in Leicester, which just happens to be the home town of one Mr Keith Vaz.

Who may or may not be an MP. We’re not sure. Don’t really know anything about the man, actually. Not a sausage. Or three sausages. Covered in baby oil, probably.

keith vaz
See? Keith Vaz with a lady. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Anyhow, glittering ceremony, prestigious award, proper grown-up journalism, huge honour for this newspaper, recognition of our unwavering integrity and our refusal to wallow in the gutter like some other news organisations which just do not know where to draw the line. Not a line of cocaine, obviously. What do you mean cocaine? Who said anything about poppers? Not us. Absolutely not. No way Jose.

So, getting back to the point: Keith Vaz oiled up in a gimp mask ripped to the tits on Mescaline. No! Not that. That’s what we would absolutely never write. Not ever. Filth of that kind. Lurid speculation. We’re not The Mirror. We’re like, tragedy for the family, human frailty, hardworking and conscientious member of parliament, stuff like that. That’s our angle. That, and absolutely¬†not thumping house music and Ricky Martin videos and items of crotchless rubber underwear smothered in industrial quantities of cherry flavoured lubricant…

Oh bugger.

 

Dalston University Plans World’s Largest Inclusive Toilet Block

Prestigious Dalston University (formerly the East London College of Joined-Up Writing and Potato Prints) has announced plans to accommodate all of the student body’s many, many sexual sub-groups in a vast new toilet complex.

‘It was becoming ridiculous,’ said Chancellor of the University Ms (formerly Mrs, formerly Mr) Euthanasia Lucre, ‘nobody had a bloody clue which toilet they were supposed to be using. It was a hell of a mess. Knee-deep some days.’

‘If the straight men used the gents’ they were afraid of oppressing the transgendered women – or men, I forget – and the straight women were intimidated in the ladies’ by cross-dressers who all seemed to have better legs than them.’

Dalston University students
Dalston University students celebrate yesterday

‘The queers objected to sharing with the gays, the trans’ couldn’t get on with the drag queens, and the bisexuals were in a constant state of confusion. The gender-fluids just gave up in the end and pissed in a bush. So we had to act, and act decisively.’

The new Harvey Milk Memorial Mega-Toilet will include separate facilities for straight, gay, lesbian, bi, cross-dress, transgendered (female-to-male), transgendered (male-to-female), queer, gender fluid, eunuch, Thai lady-boy, undecided, totally flummoxed, and the full Graham Norton. There will also be a ‘safe space’ for people who like dressing up as barnyard animals. The university is yet to decide where to put the tampon machine.

‘We think this is a really progressive move,’ said Dr Lucre while drawing-on a moustache, ‘but, of course the cost has been considerable. Especially as we had to demolish the chemistry block to fit in the new, inclusive super-khazi. So, sadly, sciences will no longer be a part of the curriculum, but our popular gender studies course will receive a real shot in the arm.’

Dr Lucre told the Mercury that local residents have been broadly supportive, but when we asked, staff at Our Lady of the Immaculate Cleavage Roman Catholic Primary School across the road said they ‘aren’t having anything to do with all that funny business over there.’

The Mercury did ask campaigner Peter Tatchell for a quote, but apparently he is white and ‘merely gay’, so is no longer qualified to comment on anything.