Trump Campaign – ‘Every Woman On Earth Is A Fat Syphilitic Whore’

The Dalston representative of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump went on a Twitter rampage early this morning, repeating Mr Trump’s accusations that ex-Miss Universe Alicia Machado had made a sex tape and that Hilary Clinton helped her become a US citizen.

Earlier in the week the famously svelte Mr Trump was pilloried when it was revealed he had labeled Ms Machado ‘Miss Piggy’ and publicly shamed her for putting on weight when he owned the beauty contest.

Mr Eugene Oregon, Dalston’s most vocal Trump supporter, took to the Twittersphere this morning and, in an apparent bid to out-Trump Trump, took on the entire female sex in an impressive display of solidarity with his leader, guru and alleged one-time lover.

Among his Twitter targets were not just Hilary Clinton but national treasures Helen Mirren (‘huge’), Mary Berry (‘a corpulent obscenity’), Darcey Bussell (‘a blubber mountain on legs’) and Her Majesty the Queen (‘a lard-ass of such grotesque proportions as to be an offence to the eye and the nose’).

audrey-hepburn
Audrey Hepburn – officially less attractive than Donald Trump. And a bit of a slag, probably

He also accused Dame Maggie Smith of featuring in a series of rectally challenging pornographic activities with both Bill Clinton and Jimmy Savile, and that videos of these encounters are being openly advertised for sale on the White House website. Katy Perry was holding the camera and shouting encouragement, apparently. So was Elvis.

We asked Mr Oregon to justify his bizarre claims, but after he had finished firing his six-shooters into the air and shouting ‘Yee-Haw!’, the best we could get out of him was: ‘Wibble. Hatstand,’ and something that might have been ‘Biscuit barrel, lizard-people’, or similar.

Breaking News: In the light of his recent Twitter activities, Mr Oregon is being widely tipped to take over as Mr Trump’s director of communications, being an obvious upgrade on the last guy.

 

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‘Ask not what your speechwriter can do for you…’ Trump denies plagiarism claims

The official Dalston spokesman for Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump sought to lay to rest accusations of plagiarism against members of Mr Trump’s family today.

‘The Trump campaign never has and never will use the words of others to further our noble ends,’ said Mr Eugene Oregon of the Dalston Top Trumps movement. ‘In fact, never, in the field of human bullshit, has so much garbage been spouted by so many liberals about so few. Lines in a speech, that is.’

Mr Eugene Oregon
Prominent Donald Trump supporter Mr Eugene Oregon yesterday

Defending Mr Trump’s wife, Melania, against claims that she had brazenly swiped great bloody chunks of her convention speech, Mr Oregon told the Mercury: ‘I know she has the body but of a totally awesome babe; but she has the heart and speechwriter of a king, and of a king of England too’, while sounding a bit like Helen Mirren.

‘I have a dream,’ he went on, only now with a pronounced southern inflection, ‘that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the originality of their rhetoric, but by the content of their character. And whether they’re Muslim or not.’

‘And if anyone continues to make these completely unfounded accusations,’ he continued, only in a gruff, I-was-born-at-Blenheim-Palace kind of way, ‘we will fight them on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets; we shall never surrender until every goddamn wetback Mexican – no matter how innocent of any crime – is thrown back over that great wall of liberty and justice to Tijuana.’

Then, adopting a white bread Bostonian accent he cried ‘Ich bin ein Berliner!’ for no apparent reason before striding away trying to hold his hair on with those tiny little hands of his.