Donald Trump, the famously chivalrous and principled US president rode to the aid of distressed damsel, the formerly ‘crooked’ and ‘nasty’ Hillary Clinton, yesterday by firing the director of the FBI James Comey.
‘Anyone who dares besmirch the good name of that fine woman will feel the wrath of the president,’ roared one cringing White House lackey this morning, ‘woe to him who attempts to investigate alleged wrongdoing by the sainted Hillary even if we thought it was a really good idea a couple of months ago. Woe to him!’
Allegations that Mr Comey has really been fired because he discovered Mr Trump’s secret stash of Vladimir Putin glamour shots and candid pee-pee pictures have been strongly denied by the White House. Although the president would really like those back as soon as possible.
In Other News From The Realm Of Infinite Improbability: Erm…
Nope. We’ve got nothing…
Prince Philip undergoes sex change to compete on Strictly as Wanda from Basingstoke? No?
Hang on… erm… New Farrari powered by lentils? Lib Dems farm unicorns on Saturn? Youth Hosteling with Chris Eubank?
Labour MPs have reacted with scepticism this morning to plans aimed at relaunching Jeremy Corbyn on a British public that has, to be frank, already suffered enough.
In a novel move Mr Corbyn is to be re-branded as a left-wing populist despite being exceptionally unpopular, especially with members of his own party.
‘We offered to relaunch him ages ago,’ said one Labour MP who didn’t want to be named, ‘we offered to relaunch him as ambassador to North Korea, trade envoy to Ulan Bator, you name it. Anything but leader of the Labour party in fact, but the sod wasn’t having it.’
More worryingly for the party, as part of the re-branding exercise Mr Corbyn plans to appear more often on television.
‘It’s madness,’ said the MP, ‘our poll ratings drop two points every time he’s seen in public. He got on a bus the other day and we lost the support of the West Midlands.
‘If we keep him in a box between now and the general election we might have half a chance of finishing fifth behind the Greens. But it’ll have to be a very big box. A very big box at the bottom of the sea.’
Mr Corbyn is also planning to lead opposition to vested interests, despite being the nation’s best known exponent of vests.
The parliamentary Labour party has put forward an alternate plan in which Mr Corbyn will be relaunched either as a Hillary Clinton lookalike at a Wyoming rifle range or as a particularly lewd transvestite stripper performing outside the Kremlin during next year’s May Day parade.
US police have arrested a man carrying an assault rifle who entered a pizza restaurant which, according to fake online news reports, was operating a child abuse ring led by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and her top campaign aide.
The Dalston Mercury is considered a global authority on fake news stories, given that we print nothing else, but ‘Pizzagate‘ has set a new standard in the art of making stuff up, and it is a standard to which we must aspire.
So: according to various alt-right nut jobs Hilary Clinton, John Podesta and the guy who owns the Comet Ping Pong pizza restaurant have been running a child sex ring and communicating their depraved desires to one another via email using pizza-related code words that include ‘cheese’, ‘pizza’, and, naturally, ‘hot dog’. But not, mystifyingly, ‘warm bread sticks’, ‘American Super Hot’ or ‘spicy meatballs’.
This news was persuasive enough for General Mike Flynn, Donald Trump’s pick for national security adviser, to start tweeting about it. So we at the Mercury felt morally bound to give the General the opportunity to raise the bar of his moronic credulity a few notches by allowing him to share the following uncorroborated piece of crap with the entire world. Pay attention, General:
Hillary Clinton is, literally, the Whore of Babylon (yes, the one foretold in the Book of Revelations, only worse) and for years has spent up to 12 hours a day violating nuns with a Chipotle Chicken Melt foot-long, cheered on by husband Bill, Michelle Obama and an audience of furiously masturbating Washington Post journalists and editors.
This all takes place – daily, remember – in a secret chamber below the Lincoln Memorial staffed by Mexican illegal immigrants and the Reverend Jesse Jackson. Who is really an alien. And gay.
There. We confidently expect this important news story to be faithfully reported on General Flynn’s twitter account (@GenFlynn) later today and feel sure he will act to end this demonic abomination the minute he is made national security adviser, a role he will fill with great distinction despite obviously being a massive tit.
Americans go to the polls today to elect their 45th president. As usual, the Dalston Mercury will be broadcasting through the night to bring you all the results as they are called, with expert analysis from our North America correspondent, whose mum has said she’ll make hot dogs and put up little American flags and stuff.
Most of the US will have to wait for polling stations to close – typically between 19:00 EST (24:00 GMT) and 20:00 EST (01:00 GMT) – for state projections, but here are some key waypoints that will determine who will win the White House:
At 00:00 GMT polls close in the battlefield state of Virginatlantic where the incumbent, Richard Branson, is facing a battle to hold on to his beard.
At the same time, Georgia will declare. Nobody has any idea who she’s going to vote for because she’s a right moody cow and no-one likes to bring it up, apparently. Sweet Caroline is next, followed by the great state of Kentucky, where both chicken and coronary heart disease were invented.
At 01:00 GMT we expect projected results from Mary Land (whoever she is), New Jumper, Rude Island, Tupperware, Concomitant, and DC, which is the same as Marvel only not as good.
The key battleground of Fluoride is next, followed by New Hampshire, a strange quirk of the American electoral college system giving residents of Basingstoke a vote in presidential elections.
After that come a load of fly-over states that always return a member of the Ku Klux Klan to Congress, so we can guess how they’re going to vote.
At 02:00 GMT come results from Taxes, Minestrone, both East and West Dakota, New Mexico, Old Mexico and Adolescent Jail-Bait Mexico.
By 04:00 results will be in from Oregano, Washington (which gets to vote twice under different names) and California, earthquakes and gurus allowing.
By breakfast time the Mercury hopes to be able to interview the winning candidate live on air or, failing that, we might read out Hilary’s email with the recipe for nuclear bombs on it that she sent us by accident when she was Secretary of State.
* This time we’re going to try really hard not to nod-off during Newsnight like when we were supposed to be covering the EU Referendum results. Sorry about that.
As the US presidential candidates enter their final day of campaigning, doubts have been raised about Donald Trump’s temperament and his ability to lead in a crisis, after his morbid fear of cardboard was made public at the weekend.
During a rally in Reno on Saturday night, Mr Trump was rushed from the stage by security agents. Early reports suggested that the candidate was fleeing one of the gun wielding maniacs for which the USA is so rightly famed. Further investigations revealed, however, that Mr Trump had in fact been running away from a man holding a cardboard sign.
The Trump campaign has been at pains to point out that, under certain lighting conditions, a cardboard sign might look a bit like a gun or even a bazooka, and that Mr Trump did not run away whimpering like a six-year-old girl whatever it looked like on TV.
Defence analysts, however, have pointed out that while cardboard might be quite frightening under the right circumstances, ‘it is nothing like as scary as the red army with all its tanks and bombs and missiles and jet fighters and crap like that’, and that Mr Trump might ‘have to grow a pair’ if he is to lead the free world against a resurgent nationalist Russia.
Unofficial sources within the Trump camp have said that while large pieces of cardboard remain a problem for the candidate, he is undergoing cardboard therapy in a bid to overcome his abject terror of the material.
This therapy involves him stroking small pieces of tissue paper in a safe environment before moving on to rustling the pages of a child’s exercise book and holding a beer mat for short periods. Reports that he still wets himself when walking past cereal boxes in supermarkets have yet to be confirmed.
Vladimir Putin, in contrast, is said to have no fear of cardboard and frequently rolls around naked in piles of surplus packing materials, just to show off.
The world breathed an enormous sigh of relief today when the US presidential election was revealed as nothing more than a grotesque Halloween prank perpetrated on the entire human race by Fox News.
‘We gotcha!’, said ‘Donald Trump’, in reality a gay Mexican bit-part actor and three-time winner of the Tijuana Drag Queen of the Year award, ‘we really had you guys scared!’
‘You should’ve seen the look on your faces!’ said the tireless campaigner for women’s rights, ‘Ooooh, look at me, I’m gonna build a giant wall! Look at my scary tiny hands! Look out, baby, I’m gonna grab your genitals inappropriately! Boo!’
‘Hilary Clinton’ is, in actuality, Danny DeVito in a CGI pant suit designed by Pixar. He told the press ‘I don’t even have an email account, you suckers! I can’t believe you all fell for it for so long! That a nation of 320 million people couldn’t do better than us! Unbelievable! Still, no harm done.’
The next president of the USA will be selected by random ballot next week. Any American over the age of 40 will be eligible to enter the competition except for the real Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton, just in case.