‘Ken Livingstone To Be Next Chief Rabbi’ – Shami Chakrabarti

After an internal Labour party disciplinary panel courageously decided that former London mayor Ken Livingstone was not to be expelled from the party – because his virulent anti-Semitism is not virulent enough, apparently – we at the Mercury thought it would be fun to guess which other vile bigots the Labour party might decide not to kick out.

We couldn’t think of any Hitler apologists quite as shameless as Ken Livingstone, of course, because there aren’t any. But we thought this bunch might just hold on to their party membership cards, despite everything:

We guessed Pol Pot would be given the benefit of the doubt by a party disciplinary committee because  although the killing fields of Cambodia were undoubtedly an error of judgement – his policy of forcing people to labour on collective farms until they died of exhaustion and disease did get a lot of people out into the fresh air. So he wasn’t all bad. Just like Ken.

It seems likely that a Labour party committee (or, indeed, Shami Chakrabarti) might choose to overlook the more sanguinous habits of Jack the Ripper because, although he did display an unnacceptible tendency toward misogyny now and again, his antics did throw a light on the appalling social depravation and poor housing conditions of the East End of London. For which he deserves our thanks. Much as Ken does.

Labour committee
The Labour party disciplinary committee convenes to pass judgement on Mr Livingstone yesterday

And, while it is true that Joseph Stalin may have inadvertantly murdered and starved to death uncounted millions of his own people, any clear-sighted Labour party committee would surely overlook this given Mr Stalin’s sterling job-creation efforts in the gulag-building industry.

So, quite reasonably, it seems that in the eyes of the Labour party, Ken’s tireless efforts in the field of newt-conservancy trump his oft-repeated claim that Hitler actually meant the Jews no harm and wanted to help them all go and live peacefully in Israel. And who could argue with that? Certainly no-one here at the Dalston Mercury.


Trump ‘Goes Positively Moist’ Over Vladimir Putin Live on TV

Donald Trump has showered Vladimir Putin with praise as he and rival Hillary Clinton took questions from military veterans during a televised comedy routine, or ‘debate’ as these things are called in America.

Trump’s local spokesman, Mr Eugene Oregon of the Dalston Top Trumps movement, defended the presidential candidate’s assertion that Putin ‘has been a leader far more than our president [Obama] has been’.

‘Yeah,’ said Mr Oregon, ‘obviously Donald’s mastery of grammar and syntax means that phrase reads like something a toddler has spelt out with alphabet bricks, but he did back up his claim with some hard statistical evidence.’

Quizzed by NBC host Matt Lauer on his many affectionate and semi-erotic remarks about Mr Putin, Mr Trump responded: ‘He does have an enormously tumescent 82% approval rating,’ and said the Russian President had ‘great control over his country,’ plus ‘dreamy eyes’ and ‘skin you just want to lick all over’.

A recent meeting between Mr Trump and Mr Putin, sketched from memory by Mr Trump

We pointed out to Mr Oregon that Adolf Hitler also had ‘great control over his country’ (although his skin was nothing special) and that those 18% of Russians who did not approve of Mr Putin were currently holidaying in Siberian gulags, except for those who glow in the dark as a result of their polonium-rich diet. And who are also dead.

However, Mr Oregon believes that if elected President, Mr Trump will ‘make America great again’ by adopting some novel Russian ideas.

‘For example,’ he said, ‘Donald, like Vladimir, is a keen environmentalist. In fact, we like to say he puts the ‘mental’ into ‘environmental’. But seriously folks, everyone knows we absolutely have to save our precious forests, yeah?’

‘So why do we need so many newspapers? It’s a well-known fact that liberals cut down six acres of pristine woodland to make a single copy of the New York Times. Vladimir loves forests so much he’s shut down hundreds of newspapers in Russia and just look at the place; it’s absolutely covered in trees! Now that’s real leadership, right there.’

Mr Oregon also told us that they want to do ‘that other cool Russian thing’ where you send your army to take over another country but you make the soldiers dress up like ordinary people so you can pretend all the shooting and blowing stuff up has got nothing to do with you. But then he said not to print that bit because they didn’t want the Canadians finding out, ‘Y’know, until it’s too late’.


Day of Infamy in Dalston Politics ‘Nearly as Bad as Westminster’

Dalston City Hall became a blood-sodden bear pit yesterday, with both main parties fraternally ripping themselves to gory shards as the rest of us looked on and cheered. (Some of us even brought snacks and pop.)

At lunchtime, the frontrunner in the mayoral race, jolly latinophone gut-bucket Harris Bojo announced he was leaving the contest after his close friend, colleague and one time lover, Michael Loaf, unexpectedly announced his own candidacy.

In his speech, the ruggedly handsome, charismatic and not even slightly creepy Mr Loaf said: ‘I have come, reluctantly, to the conclusion that I must heroically knife my dear friend Harris in the back and then openly and positively run away before he can do anything about it.’

‘I believe, furthermore, that I am the right man to lead this borough. I am, as everyone knows, hugely respected by members of my party, even if I am universally loathed by everyone else. So as a duplicitous, cowardly and hugely divisive candidate, I firmly believe I am the man to unite both my party and the country that hates me so much. Thank you.’

Across town at Labour HQ, party leader Cllr Aneurin Hobsbawm appeared at the launch of a report into alleged anti-Semitism in the Dalston party.

The beleaguered  Mr Hobsbawm – who yesterday promoted a stray dog to his cabinet when a lady he met in Tesco’s refused to serve – said at the launch: ‘With the publication of this authoritative and exhaustively researched whitewash, we can finally put to rest the ridiculous notion that anybody in the Dalston Labour party is now, or ever has been, even the tiniest bit anti-Semitic.’

labour front bench
The Dalston Labour front bench yesterday

Then he spoilt the mood a bit by saying that the modern state of Israel was worse than Hitler. ‘It just slipped out,’ he said later.

The stray dog is said to be considering its position in the cabinet. Rebellious Labour councillors are pressing it to run for leader.


Local Woman Sacked for Dragging Hitler into Euro Debate

Local woman and former councillor Mrs Queenie Calhoun has been suspended as chair of the Dalston chapter of Independence for the UK (IFtUK) for breaching the party’s rules on Good Taste and Media Etiquette.

Mrs Calhoun’s self-produced video in support of Brexit comprises a series of photos of bucolic English countryside accompanied by a jaunty rendition of the Horst Wessell Song.

The English countryside yesterday (with sheep but not Kool and the Gang)

“It’s political correctness gone mad,” Mrs Calhoun told the Mercury, “They said there wasn’t enough blacks in it, and ethnic minorities and that.”

“I said it was just pictures of fields, but they said that was no excuse.”

“I mean, if I’d had a field with a steel band in it, that would’ve been cushty, apparently. Or Kool and the Gang going hiking.”

Mrs Calhoun claims to have selected the video’s music soundtrack entirely at random from her extensive collection of marching songs.

Well known locally as proprietor of Calhoun’s, Suppliers of Bush Meat and Exotic Roadkill to the Gentry, Mrs Calhoun was thrown out of UKIP ages ago for banging on about Hitler wanting a unified Europe, a once unfashionable view that has recently gained traction with some senior members of the Leave campaign.

“I mean, the world’s gone mad,” whined Mrs Calhoun, even after we asked her to shut up, “It’s getting to the point where you can’t put a burning cross in front of an evangelical church without some muppet calling you racist.” Then we put the phone down.