Official: Jeremy Corbyn To Remain Labour Leader ‘For All Time’

Following the great leader’s announcement on BuzzFeed this morning that he will remain in his role ‘even if we lose every single MP at the election and John McDonnell craps in the Queen’s hat’, Labour has announced plans to ensure Mr Corbyn will remain at the helm of the party for eternity.

‘We’re going to have him stuffed,’ one senior back bencher told the Mercury this morning, ‘probably before polling day. In fact definitely before polling day.

‘We’ve all chipped in to have him stuffed, embalmed and put in one of those Maoist / Leninist glass boxes so he can inspire us for all time. From beyond the grave, obviously. Not from his allotment or – God help us – from the dispatch box.

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Eternal Leader Jeremy Corbyn (about tea time tomorrow)

‘The living, breathing Jeremy hasn’t been working out too well, votes-wise, but we think a Jeremy preserved in formaldehyde might be a much more progressive proposition. I mean, the late Jeremy Corbyn won’t actively lose us millions of votes every time he’s on TV will he? Will he? Oh Christ, I don’t know any more…’

In his BuzzFeed interview Mr Corbyn also stunned listeners by revealing he is a student of the sophisticated economic philosophies of Adam Smith, Karl Marx and David Ricardo. This despite the fact that his A level results suggest he would struggle to follow an episode of Peppa Pig.

 

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Corbyn Election Celebration To Continue ‘Until The Workers Control The Means Of Production. If Not Longer’

Dalston Police made over 1600 arrests and more than 2000 people have been hospitalised after impromptu street parties celebrating Jeremy Corbyn’s re-election as Labour leader got out of hand last night.

‘It was like bloody VE day out there,’ Dalston police chief Derek Slipper told the Mercury, ‘like VE day combined with the Notting Hill Carnival, the Last Night of the Proms and the Relief of Mafeking, in my judgement.’

‘You can say what you like about ’em,’ he said, peeling Silly String off his truncheon, ‘but those Tories know how to throw a party.’

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Conservative Party Central Office this morning

Injuries to ecstatic Conservative party members included split sides, near-terminal hyperventilation following several hours of sustained laughter, and bleeding palms resulting from an orgy of high-fiving that began when Mr Corbyn’s re-election was announced yesterday lunchtime and is expected to continue until ‘at least 2025, but probably a lot longer than that’.

According to witnesses, the only noise audible over popping champagne corks and ironic choruses of Things Can Only Get Better was the sound of Labour MPs shooting themselves in the face.