In a dazzling exhibition of blue-sky thinking Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has revealed a cunning plan to decimate his own party at June’s general election in order to win the moral argument and confound the Tories or something.
‘Yeah,’ said a Labour spokesman this morning, ‘we were hoping to keep the leader’s plan secret a bit longer, but after yesterday’s performance it became so obvious we were trying to lose the election intentionally we thought we may as well come clean.’
The first phase of Mr Corbyn’s plan centred on persuading his most capable and electable MPs to quit and then sending the party’s intellectual torch bearer, MP Dawn ‘two brains’ Butler, to make a right tit of herself live on the BBC.
‘It’s been a great day,’ said one Labour insider last night, ‘if you want to lose an election, you really couldn’t have started your campaign any better.
‘Jeremy’s decision not to let anyone in the party know any of our policies was a stroke of genius. None of us had a clue whether we were going to call for another Brexit referendum until tea time!
‘And sending Dawn Butler on to the airwaves to repeat the phrase ‘rigging the system’ 300 times before libelling a respected and law-abiding high street retailer was a masterstroke!’
Theresa May responded to Labour’s novel plan to remain in opposition forever by instructing her MPs and party activists to ‘go home, put your feet up and let Jeremy do the work. See you on June 9 for brunch. I’m paying.’
Later today, in order to absolutely guarantee electoral oblivion, Mr Corbyn plans to unleash his ‘nuclear option’ when Ken Livingstone and Shami Chakrabarti will appear on Andrew Neil’s Daily Politics show to premier their hilarious take on Mel Brooks’ Springtime for Hitler, featuring new lyrics aimed at cementing once and for all the Führer’s impeccable Zionist credentials.
Britain is to be forced to relinquish its nuclear arsenal under a new United Nations initiative aimed at ending the Korean armed stand-off really, really quickly.
‘Yeah,’ said one UN spokesman from beneath his tin helmet today, ‘the policy of letting rational regimes control the planet’s deadliest weapons isn’t really working for us any more.
‘We thought it might be interesting to see what happens when the world’s foremost unhinged loons are given the launch codes.
‘And so far it’s going pretty well: the Russians are clearly barking; North Korea is a weaponised Broadmoor; and the Americans have become so crazed they thought it was a good idea to send Mike Pence into a war zone. He can’t go to the theatre without starting a fight, for God’s sake!’
The UK and China, being comparatively rational at the moment, will be required to hand over their nuclear weapons by tea time on Tuesday.
The jury is still out on the French, whose quasi-religious veneration of cheese is believed by many to be a sign of serious mental illness. The Israelis have agreed to play ball but insist on keeping one really big bomb aimed at the London borough of Brent ‘in case Ken Livingstone kicks off again’.
Always delighted to balance the demands of fundamentalist secularism, the Anglican Church, Ukip, LGBT+ groups, single mothers, childless couples, agnostic farm animals, the Jewish Chronicle, his Holiness the Pope, and the European Union, the Dalston Mercury has cancelled its annual Easter Egg hunt on London Fields and has replaced it with something much less fascistic and socially divisive.
As a response to demands from the EU the British-made chocolate constituent of our eggs has been renamed ‘recidivist vege-sludge’ by the Belgians but, due to record levels of obesity among our young people, has been replaced anyway by a baked lentil substitute.
The formerly traditional egg-shape (or ‘prolate spheroid’ as our lawyers call it) is considered offensive by vegans and the Vatican, who would prefer a chocolate Judas Iscariot hanging from a tree (the Vatican, not the vegans). Transgender women have threatened to boycott the event if it involves any mention of eggs or fallopian tubing. Or that Jenni Murray from Woman’s Hour.
The entire Easter business has been declared ‘offensive, almost to Ken Livingston levels’ by the chief Rabbi, so this year’s hunt will take place during Yom Kippur or possibly Ramadan.
Free entry! Fun for all the family! (No children under 18 due to Health & Safety risk of falling over on grass. May contain nuts).
Fans of Barry Manilow were shocked yesterday when the singing legend came out as gay, revealing he has been in a relationship with a man since 1978.
‘Oh my God! Barry Manilow was in the closet?’ shrieked one Dalston fan too shocked to remember his name, ‘Really? I had no idea!
‘Let me get this straight: he was pretending not to be gay all that time? What, with the tight white trousers and the feather boas and everything? This was Barry not being gay? Wow. Four bars of Copacabana told me everything I needed to know, darling.’
According to experts, the only thing more screamingly camp than Barry Manilow is the Wham! video for Club Tropicana.
‘Next you’ll be telling me George Michael spent years in the closet too,’ said a spokesman for Mr Manilow this morning, ‘What? You’re kidding me! No way!’
Ken Livingstone welcomed Mr Manilow’s induction into a minority group today, assuring the singer that Adolf Hitler was absolutely pro-gay and only wanted to help homosexuals leave Germany in the 1930s because the weather is nicer in Israel, or something.
After an internal Labour party disciplinary panel courageously decided that former London mayor Ken Livingstone was not to be expelled from the party – because his virulent anti-Semitism is not virulent enough, apparently – we at the Mercury thought it would be fun to guess which other vile bigots the Labour party might decide not to kick out.
We couldn’t think of any Hitler apologists quite as shameless as Ken Livingstone, of course, because there aren’t any. But we thought this bunch might just hold on to their party membership cards, despite everything:
We guessed Pol Pot would be given the benefit of the doubt by a party disciplinary committee because – although the killing fields of Cambodia were undoubtedly an error of judgement – his policy of forcing people to labour on collective farms until they died of exhaustion and disease did get a lot of people out into the fresh air. So he wasn’t all bad. Just like Ken.
It seems likely that a Labour party committee (or, indeed, Shami Chakrabarti) might choose to overlook the more sanguinous habits of Jack the Ripper because, although he did display an unnacceptible tendency toward misogyny now and again, his antics did throw a light on the appalling social depravation and poor housing conditions of the East End of London. For which he deserves our thanks. Much as Ken does.
And, while it is true that Joseph Stalin may have inadvertantly murdered and starved to death uncounted millions of his own people, any clear-sighted Labour party committee would surely overlook this given Mr Stalin’s sterling job-creation efforts in the gulag-building industry.
So, quite reasonably, it seems that in the eyes of the Labour party, Ken’s tireless efforts in the field of newt-conservancy trump his oft-repeated claim that Hitler actually meant the Jews no harm and wanted to help them all go and live peacefully in Israel. And who could argue with that? Certainly no-one here at the Dalston Mercury.
NatWest bank is to close the accounts of Dalston’s council-run broadcaster, DT, formerly known as ‘Dalston Today’.
Editor-in-chief Svetlana Molotovski tweeted: ‘They’ve closed our accounts in Britain. All our accounts. ‘The decision is not subject to review.’ Praise be to freedom of speech!’ It is not reported whether she managed to keep a straight face while typing that last bit.
In an interview with the Mercury Ms Molotovski said: ‘This action of corrupt Western government, please to silence organ of great democratic state of Dalston’, and then went banging on and on in Russian for some reason. We checked with Google Translate and we think what she said was: ‘How the Hell are we going to disseminate our totally balanced, fair and objective anti-American propaganda now? And what about our poisonous invective, eh? What’s going to happen to that?’
Dalston Today is financed entirely by the shadowy politburo of Dalston council and exists principally to air conspiracy theories so utterly deranged that only Donald Trump and George Galloway believe them.
News of NatWest’s action led to an immediate flood of support for DT as three million Moscow-based web bots and Ken Livingstone took to Twitter in outrage.
Dalston, of course, is known throughout the world as a beacon of tolerance and free speech unlike, for example, Russia which is best known for beating-up journalists, poisoning people with Polonium and locking up girls for dancing in churches while wearing balaclavas.