Corbyn Election Celebration To Continue ‘Until The Workers Control The Means Of Production. If Not Longer’

Dalston Police made over 1600 arrests and more than 2000 people have been hospitalised after impromptu street parties celebrating Jeremy Corbyn’s re-election as Labour leader got out of hand last night.

‘It was like bloody VE day out there,’ Dalston police chief Derek Slipper told the Mercury, ‘like VE day combined with the Notting Hill Carnival, the Last Night of the Proms and the Relief of Mafeking, in my judgement.’

‘You can say what you like about ’em,’ he said, peeling Silly String off his truncheon, ‘but those Tories know how to throw a party.’

Conservative Party Central Office this morning

Injuries to ecstatic Conservative party members included split sides, near-terminal hyperventilation following several hours of sustained laughter, and bleeding palms resulting from an orgy of high-fiving that began when Mr Corbyn’s re-election was announced yesterday lunchtime and is expected to continue until ‘at least 2025, but probably a lot longer than that’.

According to witnesses, the only noise audible over popping champagne corks and ironic choruses of Things Can Only Get Better was the sound of Labour MPs shooting themselves in the face.


Labour Leader Less Popular Than Tapeworm – Latest Polls

As embattled Dalston Labour leader Cllr Aneurin Hobsbawm campaigns to be re-elected as leader of his local party, commentators have identified a worrying trend that may point to a weakness in his long-term electoral prospects.

‘There’s no doubt that Mr Hobsbawm is exceptionally popular among Dalston’s grassroots Labour party supporters,’ said Dr Ipsus Morrie, professor of Political Guesswork at the prestigious Dalston University.

‘It is absolutely inarguable that Aneurin is the darling of the Dalston Momentum activists, and that all those committed, clear-eyed, idealistic young people of every conceivable ethnicity on the left of the party adore him, cast flowers on the ground before him, throw underwear during his speeches and want to have his baby. No doubt about that. Non at all.’

‘The problem is, you see,’ continued Dr Morrie, ‘that absolutely everyone else in the borough thinks he’s a right tit.’

‘Even his colleagues on the council,’ she said, ‘In fact, especially his colleagues on the council. All those assassination attempts and bags of dog poo set alight on his doorstep don’t organise themselves, do they?’

Mr Hobsbawm’s activist supporters are estimated to number ‘between seven and nine, depending on what’s on telly’, which will be more than enough to guarantee victory over his leadership rival, an unusually oleaginous cardboard cut-out of Ivor the Engine, which is widely acknowledged to lack charisma, even by the standards of cardboard cut-outs.

The saviour of the Labour party – Ivor the Engine yesterday

By the Mercury’s calculations, however, a support base of ‘between seven and nine’ will be unlikely to secure a Hobsbawm-led Dalston Labour party victory over the Tories.

But then again, we are part of the mainstream media and are so lethally compromised by self-interest, greed, an unbending loyalty to anything wearing a blue rosette, Rupert Murdoch, jelly babies, racism, sexism, fascism and Top Gear that what we write cannot be trusted by anyone, ever.


‘Flying Porcine Nazis Threaten Credibility of Labour Party’ Shock

The Dalston Labour leader Aneurin Hobsbawm  has approved the suspension of a prominent donor over an article he wrote in which Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership bid team were likened to Nazi stormtroopers.

Mr Hobsbawm said the donor was suspended on 7 September because he was alleged to have breached a rule governing the leadership election which bans ‘abuse or garottings of any kind by members or supporters. Or blowing each other up. That’s right out of order’.

Breaking news: Jeremy Corbyn is electable

‘If the Labour party is known for anything,’ Mr Hobsbawm told the Mercury from the bunker in which he is currently besieged by his own councillors, ‘it is for never engaging in abuse of any kind and, in particular, never ever mentioning Adolf Hitler or expressing sentiments that could be interpreted as even remotely anti-Semitic. This I swear on Keith Vaz’s trousers.’

Unusually, at this point in our interview Mr Hobsbawm was knocked unconscious by a flying pig which swooped around the room like a Messerchmitt while belting out a spirited rendition of the Internationale dressed as Shami Chakrabarti.

Or maybe we’ve all just dreamt the last 12 months in the history of the Labour party, I dunno.


Labour Celebrates Week of Comparative Competence

The Dalston Labour party is hosting a day-long street carnival today to mark having survived ‘nearly an entire week’ without a catastrophic public relations disaster.

Local Labour leader Aneurin Hobsbawm told the Mercury: ‘There’s no denying we’ve been having a pretty rough time since Jeremy took over, what, with our being outed as a rabble of incompetent Europhobic anti-Semites who loath the sight of one another and everything.’

‘But it’s been at least a week since traingate, so we thought it would be nice to have a bit of a party to celebrate. I think we can safely say we’re over the worst now,’ he said, blowing up balloons in an optimistic manner and putting Monster Munch into little bowls.

Mr Hobsbawm was speaking to the Mercury just moments before the party’s leadership rivals Jeremy Corbyn and Owen Smith made the historic decision to bypass the usual conventions of the democratic ballot and sort out their differences through the unusual medium of nude televised jelly wrestling.

Momentum activists prepare for a Labour leadership hustings in Darlington yesterday

Then John McDonnell offered to sell Trident to Hamas, and Diane Abbott told the Today programme that the Archbishop of Canterbury – being unapologetically white – was literally worse than Hitler in every conceivable way.

(We did help Mr Hobsbawm put the Monster Munch back in the packet but the man in the shop said he wouldn’t give him his money back.)


Police Chief Rebukes Public for Engaging in ‘Wrong Kind of Violence’

During the current spell of warm weather, Dalston’s police chief has appealed to residents to avoid causing ‘the wrong kind of trouble’.

‘Obviously,’ Chief Inspector Derek Slipper told the Mercury, ‘it’s the summer, it’s nice and hot, everyone’s walking about half naked – it’s all going to kick off at some point.’

‘It’s just that,’ he continued, ‘me and the lads have been a bit disappointed in recent years by the quality of mindless summer violence we’ve had to deal with here in Dalston.’

‘The quantity of thuggish bloodletting has never been a problem, obviously, and we’re grateful for that. No, it’s the quality of the gratuitous brutality we feel let down by. It’s just not summery enough.’

Chief Inspector Slipper’s colleagues in Westminster and Kensington & Chelsea enjoy a summer of predictable, festive violence thanks to the Notting Hill Carnival and good-natured water fights in Hyde Park getting out of hand and leading to multiple well-meant seasonal fatalities. He would like the citizens of Dalston to channel their murderous inclinations in a more season-specific way.

A policeman, not in Dalston yesterday

‘Don’t get me wrong,’ said Inspector Slipper, ‘we appreciate all the bestial carnage the people of Dalston inflict on one another – it keeps us in work, after all. And this summer we’ve been especially thankful for the local Labour party on that front, what with all the internecine vendettas and the back-stabbing, the eye-gouging and the blowing each other up and everything.’

‘But we’d really like to do something more in keeping with the climatic conditions, you know? Like pretending to enjoy goat curry, for example, to a soundtrack of a bass-heavy R&B / Calypso mash-up.’

‘Or letting little black kiddies wear our helmets while we dance arrhythmically with their jolly, fat mums. Before chasing their teenage brothers down an alley and giving them a bloody good hiding. And then falsifying the paperwork to make it look like the Yardies did it.’

‘That’s proper summer policing, that is. That’s why we all joined the force in the first place.’

Then Inspector Slipper got his truncheon out and offered to show us how he humanely and responsibly beat the crap out of the Labour finance spokesman when she was trying to run over her party leader in a JCB. But he’d got that look in his eye like they do in Vietnam films, so we came home instead.


Labour Leader ‘Opposed to Abuse’ Shock

Dalston’s embattled Labour leader, Aneurin Hobsbawm, has made a powerful statement to his council colleagues, in which he made the novel claim that ‘abuse has no place in our party’.

Clearly bewildered by what they were hearing, rebel Labour councillors eventually stopped laughing long enough for one of them to ask Mr Hobsbawm: ‘What the hell are you on about, you desiccated Trotskyite arsehole?’

The Labour party has recently cornered the market in all kinds of abuse, overtaking traditional abuse specialists such as football hooligans, Republican Party Presidential candidates and the Central Abuse Committee of the English Defence League as the world’s leading purveyor of misogyny, anti-Semitism, ageism, sexism, racism and Angela Eagle-ism.

The Labour party fraternally kick one another’s teeth in yesterday

One Labour councillor – who asked not to be named unless his house got burned down again – told the Mercury: ‘It’s a bit rich coming out against abuse this late in the game. If we give up on abuse, what else do we have? Abuse aimed at, and from, our fraternal colleagues is all we know. It’s the only thing keeping the Labour party going, is abuse.’

Polls have shown that Labour trails the Tories by 50 points when members of the public were asked which party they consider most trustworthy on the economy, taxation, foreign policy, education, defence, culture, haircuts, cute puppies and corned beef.

But when asked which party they would most trust to deliver a pulverising tsunami of vile invective, filth, bile and poisonous vituperation, Labour led all other parties by 100 points.

After his statement we attempted to ask the fleeing Mr Hobsbawm a question, but he just yelled something about ‘a kinder, fairer politics, you moronic scumbags,’ before telling a minder to ‘smash their faces in and then troll them mercilessly on Twitter’.

‘And have the rest of these bastards deselected, pronto,’ we think he said.


Labour Leader Saves Job in Pact with Cardboard Cut-Out

Embattled Dalston Labour leader Aneurin Hobsbawm scored a much needed victory against leadership rivals at yesterday’s meeting of the party’s DEC (Dalston Executive Committee).

Emerging triumphant from the meeting after 16 hours of debate and begging, Mr Hobsbawm addressed the media outside Labour Party HQ.

‘I am on the ballot!’ he said, as though it was something to be proud of, ‘They have agreed to let me stand for my own job, despite everything. This ringing endorsement of my leadership means this a great day for the Dalston Labour party!’

Resplendent in a new vest and looking more pleased with himself than he had any right to, Mr Hobsbawm continued: ‘The party has to come together to present to the Dalston public the options of a different and better way of doing things. And you have to admit, we’ve definitely been doing things a bit bloody differently since I became leader. Not better, obviously, but definitely different.’

Gobsmacked journalists tried to remind to Mr Hobsbawm that no Labour councillors will currently agree to serve in his shadow cabinet, that his shadow finance minister is a life-size cardboard cut-out of Sylvester Stallone, and the trade and industry secretary is a can of Spam with a face drawn on.

shadow lord chancellor
Dalston Shadow Lord Chancellor Sylvester Stallone

But Mr Hobsbawm remained defiant: ‘This is a great day for our party and for democracy! I was elected last year with a very large mandate, and I accept the responsibility that comes with that large, that really, really huge mandate. Yes, every single one of my colleagues considers me a bumbling liability, yet they still can’t get rid of me. This shows that the will of the people – however stupid – has been respected.’

It is understood that, as a result of yesterday’s DEC vote, the Dalston Labour party will now begin legal proceedings against itself, proceedings which will be vigorously contested by the Dalston Labour party, which has vowed to ‘sue our own bollocks off until justice has been served’.

Plans to hold the Tories to account have been put on hold indefinitely, as has any vague notion of winning future elections. Next Wednesday’s ‘Whist Drive for Hezbollah’ will go ahead as scheduled, however.

In breaking news: The cardboard cut-out of Sylvester Stallone has been promoted to shadow Lord Chancellor to see the predicted law suits through the courts. The can of Spam is defecting to the Lib Dems in despair.

Day of Infamy in Dalston Politics ‘Nearly as Bad as Westminster’

Dalston City Hall became a blood-sodden bear pit yesterday, with both main parties fraternally ripping themselves to gory shards as the rest of us looked on and cheered. (Some of us even brought snacks and pop.)

At lunchtime, the frontrunner in the mayoral race, jolly latinophone gut-bucket Harris Bojo announced he was leaving the contest after his close friend, colleague and one time lover, Michael Loaf, unexpectedly announced his own candidacy.

In his speech, the ruggedly handsome, charismatic and not even slightly creepy Mr Loaf said: ‘I have come, reluctantly, to the conclusion that I must heroically knife my dear friend Harris in the back and then openly and positively run away before he can do anything about it.’

‘I believe, furthermore, that I am the right man to lead this borough. I am, as everyone knows, hugely respected by members of my party, even if I am universally loathed by everyone else. So as a duplicitous, cowardly and hugely divisive candidate, I firmly believe I am the man to unite both my party and the country that hates me so much. Thank you.’

Across town at Labour HQ, party leader Cllr Aneurin Hobsbawm appeared at the launch of a report into alleged anti-Semitism in the Dalston party.

The beleaguered  Mr Hobsbawm – who yesterday promoted a stray dog to his cabinet when a lady he met in Tesco’s refused to serve – said at the launch: ‘With the publication of this authoritative and exhaustively researched whitewash, we can finally put to rest the ridiculous notion that anybody in the Dalston Labour party is now, or ever has been, even the tiniest bit anti-Semitic.’

labour front bench
The Dalston Labour front bench yesterday

Then he spoilt the mood a bit by saying that the modern state of Israel was worse than Hitler. ‘It just slipped out,’ he said later.

The stray dog is said to be considering its position in the cabinet. Rebellious Labour councillors are pressing it to run for leader.