Following overwhelmingly negative reviews for the new Fifty Shades Darker release, desperate producers have turned to guaranteed box office winner Jeremy Corbyn to save the next movie in the franchise.
‘No-one does ineffectual whipping better than Jeremy,’ said one Hollywood producer this morning, ‘he’s even worse at whipping than Jamie Dornan, which is saying something.’
Risibly ineffectual whipping is at the core of the Fifty Shades success story, so next year the world will be treated to the sight of the Labour leader stripped to the waist, oiled-up and pleading pathetically with MPs to vote the way they’re supposed to. With something erotic stuck up his bottom, presumably.
Labour has been accused of ‘smokescreen tactics’ over the party’s stance on article 50, the bill that triggers the process to leave the EU.
‘It’s completely unfair,’ whined one Tory MP last night, ‘nobody is talking about the utter shambles of Labour’s position; the press should be all over Jeremy Corbyn, but instead it’s all ‘Ooh! Look at the pretty names!’ and stuff.’
All of the MPs rebelling against Mr Corbyn’s order to vote for article 50 are possessed of extraordinarily exotic and beautiful names; among the most breathtakingly distracting names in the history of parliamentary democracy, in fact.
Shadow education secretary Tulip Siddiq came out against Mr Corbyn yesterday, to be followed today by Thangam Debbonaire and Daniel Zeichner (whose middle name is Florian. Probably).
For a time it was rumoured that Jeff Smith had also joined the rebels, but this has been strongly denied by the party. Clive Lewis is also keeping his head down.
Zaphod Beeblebrox, MP for Harlow West, is expected to state his opposition to article 50 later today, as is deputy chief whip Hotblack Desiato.
They will be joined by D’Brickashaw Ferguson who, inconveniently, is an offensive lineman for the New York Jets, but has been temporarily drafted in by Mr Corbyn’s office anyway. For his unparalleled expertise in European trade law, or something.
Labour party headquarters, Cloud Cuckoo Land: Jeremy Corbyn has told the BBC he would like to see a cap put on the amount people can earn.
The killjoy Labour party leader asked ‘Why would someone need to earn more than £50m a year?’ and described footballers’ salaries as ‘ridiculous’.
He then went on to reveal that, in addition to salaries, a Labour government would ‘ration the amount of fun people can have’ in any given 24-hour period and would limit the number of sexual encounters a senior manager could enjoy to ‘a swift bunk-up on a Sunday morning plus a sly quickie on bank holidays’. Shop floor workers would have the same government-sanctioned nookie entitlement as their bosses, only they’d have to do it with slightly uglier wives.
Labour MPs have responded to their leader’s latest initiative by jumping off bridges and slamming their own heads repeatedly in car doors.
Dalston, here, just outside the office: The failure of broadband and phone networks in the Dalston area yesterday lead to the near collapse of Post Office services as thousands of teenagers had to resort to the Royal Mail in order to send photographs of their genitals to one another.
‘It was worse than Christmas,’ said one postal worker too traumatised to be named, ‘we was knee deep at the depot. Couldn’t hardly move for muff by lunchtime.’
Several Tory MPs were also affected by the technical problems, with one senior cabinet member reduced to hand-delivering pictures of his endowment to tabloid journalists masquerading as nubile party activists.
After two days of dire warnings and calamitous think-tank reports, sources within the shadow cabinet have confirmed today that not even Jeremy Corbyn will be voting Labour at the next election.
Following assurances by Unite union chief Len McCluskey that the Labour leader will be put against a wall and shot ‘unless polls improve pronto, Comrade’, the Fabian Society has also bailed-out on Mr Corbyn by claiming that only an electoral pact with the Monster Raving Loony Party, Ukip and the Khmer Rouge will rescue the party from electoral oblivion.
Scores of ethnically diverse social workers in the London borough of Hackney have also been spotted wearing blue rosettes and Theresa May-inspired leather trousers, another sign, according to Westminster pundits, that Labour may actually poll fewer than zero votes in the 2020 general election if Mr Corbyn remains in office.
It is reported that, in a desperate move to shore-up electoral support, Mr Corbyn and French president François Hollande have agreed to vote for each other in forthcoming elections. They reckon one vote each is better than nothing – two if they bribe Diane Abbott with buns.
Labour MPs have reacted with scepticism this morning to plans aimed at relaunching Jeremy Corbyn on a British public that has, to be frank, already suffered enough.
In a novel move Mr Corbyn is to be re-branded as a left-wing populist despite being exceptionally unpopular, especially with members of his own party.
‘We offered to relaunch him ages ago,’ said one Labour MP who didn’t want to be named, ‘we offered to relaunch him as ambassador to North Korea, trade envoy to Ulan Bator, you name it. Anything but leader of the Labour party in fact, but the sod wasn’t having it.’
More worryingly for the party, as part of the re-branding exercise Mr Corbyn plans to appear more often on television.
‘It’s madness,’ said the MP, ‘our poll ratings drop two points every time he’s seen in public. He got on a bus the other day and we lost the support of the West Midlands.
‘If we keep him in a box between now and the general election we might have half a chance of finishing fifth behind the Greens. But it’ll have to be a very big box. A very big box at the bottom of the sea.’
Mr Corbyn is also planning to lead opposition to vested interests, despite being the nation’s best known exponent of vests.
The parliamentary Labour party has put forward an alternate plan in which Mr Corbyn will be relaunched either as a Hillary Clinton lookalike at a Wyoming rifle range or as a particularly lewd transvestite stripper performing outside the Kremlin during next year’s May Day parade.
Cincinnati, Ohio: Doctors concerned about the health of president-elect Donald Trump have diagnosed his condition as Narcissistic Campaign Speech Tourette’s Syndrome. The rare condition became apparent after Mr Trump, having already secured the presidency, could not shut his damn yap and insisted on continuing to make pointless and divisive speeches to braying crowds instead of getting on with some bloody work.
Richmond Park, London: Almost lost among Liberal Democrat victory celebrations following their triumph in yesterday’s parliamentary by-election was a smaller but no less ecstatic gathering of Labour Party supporters toasting their candidate’s performance. Despite coming a distant third and losing his deposit, Labour’s Christian Wolmar polled 1,515 votes, which is exactly 1,514 more than the number of Labour supporters believed to be resident in the Richmond area once Seumas Milne has been taken into account. Jeremy Corbyn is expected to make a dull speech claiming this result marks a turning point in the party’s fortunes / a return to electoral relevance / whatever.
Woloomalawongaloomabooga, Australia: The developer of the new £5 polymer bank-note has said that British vegan’s protest about ‘trivial’ quantities of animal fat contained in the notes is ‘stupid’, but not as stupid as refusing to eat meat. Refusing to eat meat is still illegal in Australia and punishable by being called a fairy.
Campaigners have won the right to have the body of an elderly man cryogenically frozen with the aim of ‘restoring him to life many, many years in the future. Probably. If we get around to it.’
The campaigners – who go by the collective name of ‘the parliamentary Labour party’ – have petitioned to be allowed to freeze their leader, Jeremy Corbyn MP, as a matter of urgency.
‘It is absolutely essential we get Jeremy on ice as soon as possible,’ said one MP who didn’t want to be named, ‘I mean, we’re not absolutely certain that he’s terminally ill per se, but there’s definitely something wrong with him. Something they’re bound to be able to cure in the future. Or not. Whatever…’
MPs have in the past petitioned unsuccessfully to have Mr Corbyn boiled in oil and flayed alive for his own good, but think they have a better chance in having him frozen ‘because ‘Cryogenic’ sounds more scientific than ‘whacked’, doesn’t it?’
Supporters of the campaign say it isn’t even essential that Mr Corbyn is actually frozen solid, ‘just so long as he’s locked in an impregnable glass pod buried hundreds of feet beneath the surface of the earth thousands and thousands of miles away from here’.
In another of our never-popular ‘Can You Help’ series (as regular readers know, a transparent attempt to get away with just posting a photo when we can’t be arsed to write anything), we aim to reunite Simon with his distraught owner.
Simon is an emotionally fragile Jack Russell cross who lost the will to live following the referendum vote to leave the EU.
He may be trying to hitch a lift to the Irish consulate in an attempt to become a citizen of the Republic or, if he’s gone completely Tonto, may be trying to reach Syria with a view to joining Isis (he really did take the whole Brexit thing very hard).
As usual, if you see Simon, try not to run him over and email the Mercury.
Please note: His owner recommends you don’t try to engage Simon in conversation; he’s a real Captain Bring-down, apparently. And for God’s sake don’t mention the Labour party’s standing in the latest polls – that’d send him right over the edge.
Dalston’s Labour Party Leader, Aneurin Hobsbawm has reshuffled his cabinet in a move that has been described as ‘the most futile act in the history of British politics’ by just about everyone.
The cardboard cut-out of Sylvester Stallone that had been acting shadow home secretary has made a sideways move to the foreign office to be replaced by a pot plant, which has been elevated from the back benches as a reward for its loyalty to Mr Hobsbawm.
The stray dog that had been at defence has been moved to business secretary for being insufficiently anti-Trident, although his habit of mounting the legs of visiting dignitaries probably didn’t help either.
The new shadow attorney general is some woman Mr Hobsbawm met on a march who promised she would ‘do or say absolutely anything to get the job. Really, absolutely anything at all even if it’s demonstrably untrue and about anti-Semitism in the Labour party. I mean the lack of anti-Semitism in the Labour party. Er…’.
Breaking News: Some comedian just told us that Mr Hobsbawm has made Diane Abbott shadow home secretary, but even he’s not that stupid. We can confirm, however, that a leg of lamb has been appointed chief whip and a rubber chicken, noted for its pacifism, has taken over the defence brief.
Announcing the changes to his team, Mr Hobsbawm said in a statement: ‘I am delighted to confirm the appointments of four extremely talented inanimate objects to our shadow cabinet.’
‘These appointments mean, for the first time ever, two out of the three traditional ‘great offices of state’ will be shadowed by completely useless items that just happen to agree with me in every way.’
UKIP celebrated news of the reshuffle by punching each other’s lights out.
NEWS JUST IN: The nation’s two most dysfunctional administrative bodies are to be consolidated into a single organisation in order to halve the number of daily cock-ups perpetrated on the public and to save on newsprint. Six billion trees a year are expected to be spared as a result, although 93% of British journalists will lose their jobs.
According to sources, the Football Association and the Labour Party will be amalgamated next week and re-branded as i-neptitude, a publicly funded body that will be required to win neither general elections nor World Cups but will, instead, be asked to sit quietly in a corner and stop embarrassing the country.
Sam Allardyce is tipped to become i-neptitude‘s new shadow chancellor, while Seumas Milne will take over as coach of the England football team. Neither appointment is expected to make the slightest difference either to England’s likelihood of winning an international tournament or Labour’s ability to offer a realistic alternative to current government economic policy.
Wembley Stadium will be sold to IKEA in order to fund the new body and the entire organisation will be run from a Nissen hut on the North York Moors, a long way from any sensible people. At his own request Jeremy Corbyn will either be nationalised or sold to North Korea.